UNEMPLOYED - Week 1

The thought is, I will blog at least once a week until I secure a job. I will do this for posterity, to highlight anything God may do in this time, and lastly to keep me accountable (see Goals section at bottom).

At the end of June/early July I learned that I was being laid off. Even though I agree that it was time for me to leave the job, I have been there 8 years. Eight years. On top of that, I've never NOT had a job (double negative and all) and there is a degree of shame when you are ceremoniously laid off, "kicked out of the nest," let go... fired.

There was a when time I loved my job... but even when I didn't love my job, I have always loved work. From waiting tables, to cashiering at Texaco, or working in the dining hall in college, to parenting troubled teens on the weekends, to adult jobs like scheduling production lines, to helping nonprofits choose sustainable funding, I love to work. I get a feeling of worthiness from working... from doing a good job, being great at something.

For this reason, the realization that this is not a really, really long weekend or vacation, and I am actually unemployed is something I will have to process, grieve, and mourn at some point. People who know how unhappy I have been the last year and a half are quick to remind me that I wanted this. That I need a change. That God is in control of this circumstance. I agree. I KNOW. But I am sad. I keep moving down my to-do list (minus the actual applying of jobs), staying busy but I think it is likely to hit me if I ever allow myself to slow down.

One thing I have (re)learned about myself this week is that I HATE money so I have ignored it prior to now. As a child, God always (sometimes miraculously) provided for my family of six on a pastors salary. As an adult, I have never had to worry about money. I realize what a HUGE blessing that is. I also realize worrying with my situation is a first world problem, but it is now my problem.

More than hating money, I DETEST making decisions of most (if not all) types. When you are unemployed you are forced to make a lot of decisions all at once. Decisions that feel incredibly important; like they may define your life for the next 10 years.

All of these decisions, despite their form, are about or include money. I hate it, and worse, I resent it.

Because of this, I have had glimpses of an almost cry. I have experienced uncharacteristic moodiness stemming from what feels like uncontrollable annoyance and latent anger. I don't know what I am annoyed with or angry at or why it bubbles up in either completely unreasonable fury at the 50 millionth chic-fil-a FB post of a friend, or in dreams of punching the person talking behind me during the $2 movie, OR showing up like my good old friend, the panic attack.

I am grateful I have a roommate this month. I think it is God designed provision because if she wasn't there I am pretty sure I would have balled up at the end of my bed in the fetal position with my fingers in my ears, rocking back and forth. Well, that's a bit extreme but.. I purposefully filled my first week of unemployment with morning meetings and projects so I would have been fine, but having a great friend at home has been helpful. But also allows me to prolong the processing that (for me) is very necessary.

Next week I plan to spend with my parents in the mountains. Their house feels like vacation to me. It is calm (when they aren't in the kitchen) and beautiful and laid back so I am hoping it allows me the time to process, plan, actually start acting like I need a job, and most importantly PRAY. I can honestly say I haven't prayed for direction yet. I haven't spent time seeking God, I've just kept busy.

I am scared to process because I don't like feeling emotions I can't control. And I am scared to be still and listen because I fear I won't hear from Him. Both are ridiculous and unhealthy fears.

Despite the tone of this post, I AM excited about the next 'chapter of life,' and I am desperate for God's direction. Exodus 33:15-16 is a favorite passage of mine, I think I have quoted it in an earlier post, but I will tell you it has never been more true a prayer for my heart than right now.

Goals accomplished- WEEK 1:
* Had informal meeting to learn about job possibility (good practice if nothing else)
* Met with a recruiter friend to get opinions on resume/marketability
* Canceled phone line/ordered Airrave from Sprint (to save money)
* Decided on healthcare plan
* Updated my LinkedIn profile
* Compiled list of references
* Started this blog
* Applied for (1) job
Total jobs applied for: 1