(aka the good, the bad, and the redeemed)
I have always had a hard time with 1 Peter 3:4--
4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.
I can get behind the inner self being beautiful part, but it is the gentle, quiet spirit part that haunts me. No one, in the history of my 31 years, would ever use 'quiet' or 'gentle' to describe me. No one. In fact, I may be one of the loudest people I know.
Now, I realize this 'quiet' doesn't necessarily mean volume, and understanding that, I am still one of the loudest people I know.
This had been really bothering me a good bit and caused me to pray about my communication in general.
This year He has shown me the below-
GOOD:
I AM a decent listener despite worries in the past that I was not.
I am insightful/intuitive and seem to be able to read people pretty accurately.
I am a good #2 and love tasks involving administration, organization, and implementing structure.
I communicate clearly, concisely, gently and well in written word.
I have valid, creative ideas when I am invested.
I CAN lead.
I CAN choose to trust Him.
BAD:
I have an unhealthy need to be needed
I am lonely even when surrounded by people because I don't trust them enough to share anything of consequence
I constantly apologize for perceived miscommunication b/c I am paranoid of being misunderstood
I am incapable of keeping opinions to myself
I irrationally hate to be left out or miss things
I 'punish' people I am angry with by not talking to them...like a 4 year old
I take constructive criticism as a personal failure
I am not a strong leader
I don't deserve to lead youth b/c I am not consistent with my time in the Word
I hurt myself when I get overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy instead of dealing with the sin root
I don't know Christ, the person
So while I was praying that God would take all this away and make me quieter, help me stop being so opinionated, outgoing...my definition of loud, He showed me through His word and some of you-
HIS TRUTH & REDEMPTION:
*I am needed in the body of Christ- I am a separate unique body part that functions in a way with my gifts that no one else can. And while I am not needed, I am wanted.
*I am surrounded by people that love Christ, love me, and hear/see my heart and are worthy of my trust...if I will be brave enough to trust Him with the relationship
*My apologizing is self-absorption- it is a pride issue- and if I seek Him in all words and deeds I will have nothing to apologize for and no reason to feel misunderstood.
*My opinions are appreciated when given in right motivation, and it is a lie from Satan that they are not valid or wanted.
*It's not important that I be included in everything- I can trust Him to order my steps and be where I need to be when it matters that I be there.
*Using communication or lack of as punishment is sin; if I value relationships I will confess my sin and ask forgiveness from those I have sinned against with my attitude.
*My spiritual gift type is Servant and (per assessment) we often take things personally and blame ourselves for relational breakdowns, but there is both grace and growth to be found in any breakdown.
*God is calling me to be a leader right now and any success I achieve is by HIS power and for HIS glory alone.
*I have a supernatural love and energy for middle school girls and He will use me, despite me, b/c it's not about me (and I should be in His Word)
*I have freedom from any addiction or sin when I approach Him with a repentant heart believing His promises and trust Him with my authentic wants, needs, and grateful praise.
*Any good in me is Christ, I am depraved and incapable of reflecting any of His character without the power of His Holy Spirit working in me, and Christ the person desires a relationship with me.
Because He first loved me I am of great worth in His sight. By grace alone He sees my gentle and quiet spirit and He loves me LOUD! :)
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Back when I hated kids...
It was the summer of 2000 and I hated kids. I remember always hating kids up to that point. Maybe hate is a strong word- I never chose to be around kids, never planned to have any of my own, would barely tolerate kids of friends, babysat only for the money and only if I didn't have ANYTHING else to do, and had no nephews/nieces to show me the error of my disdain.
It is hard to believe that was ever true given my (healthy) obsession with kids of all ages now.
While this change in perspective was developed over one short summer of divinely orchestrated experiences with some of the most amazing kids I've ever met (a story i will spare you), my desire to be a parent has been building up ever since then to the point that sometimes it feels...suffocating.
My time at Friends Of Youth:
When I lived in Seattle I worked a second job as a part time weekend relief foster parent at a group home for 11-17 year olds. Although it was a tiring job (24 hour shifts and you could have up to 6 kids) I loved it...and on top of that I was good at it. Most of these kids had been in and out of abusive homes, and been in (on average) 5-7 placements/homes since being put in foster care.
At first I enjoyed the weekend shift, but quickly I learned that our home was just a 30-60 day holding tank for these kids. Just when they were starting to trust you they would leave and you would know their future depended solely on the quality of their next placement. It became increasingly frustrating not to have the time to make a difference for them.
For instance:
RACHEL was a 13 year old whose parents were an drug addicts. The poor kid had been off and on homeless since she was 7 years old, taking care of her younger brother almost entirely by herself. When she and her brother were found on the street both were placed into foster care but in separate locations due to gender- she lost her identity (parent) and the one stable thing she had. One night she told me about the time she went to rehab to visit her mom and listened to her mom lie to her about being sober for the last time. At 13, Rachel begged her mom to voluntarily terminate her parental rights so she and her brother could have a shot at being adopted. Her maturity and self-awareness floored me. I cannot imagine how painful it would be to finally give up on your parent and beg them to let you go.
A few weeks later she told me about a family she had met that wanted her to adopt her. There were other kids in the home that were either adopted or in foster care and she said they seemed to all really love each other and be a family. She told me she was terrified that she would screw up b/c she didn't know how to be in a family, she had never had one. The night before she moved I ended up sleeping on the floor of her room b/c she was so nervous and didn't want to be alone. It's unusual to find out what happened to the kids after they left but in her case I heard that she ended up not being adopted and was actually put into another group home in less than a month. She self-sabotaged the opportunity b/c it's better to reject than be rejected when that's all you've known. I think of her often.
DAVID was 11 years old and adorable. I didn't usually work at the boys home b/c they preferred male workers when possible however, one weekend I decided to take the boys to the Kirkland pool. Kirkland is a...wealthy area and I quickly learned that people at the pool weren't too keen on sharing the pool with kids like ours.
David wasn't allowed to use the diving board until he had passed a basic swimming test. He tried and didn't pass so he cussed at the lifeguard who then threw him out of the pool. He got out and stormed off to the outside gate. After I explained to the snotty 16-year old lifeguard that he should cut these kids some slack and he WOULD be letting David take the test again I went out to talk to him.
He was doing his best not to cry and he was SO angry. All of a sudden he started punching the sidewalk with his fist-I had to physically restrain his arm to get him to stop. I asked him why he was doing that (though that I know a little about) and I listened to this sweet 11 year old tell me about how no one wanted him, he was separated from his (older) sisters and couldn't protect them, no one can tell him what will happen to him and that he just knew it was somehow his fault, if he had just done x,y,z. My heart broke. I said what I could but...you can't fix that kind of damage in a conversation. I did manage to talk him into apologizing to the lifeguard and re-taking his swimming test. He ended up (barely) passing and he was SO proud of himself. I knew right then his future would be entirely dependent on his next placement. If I could have taken him home with me, he would be with me still.
------
I have notes on a lot of kids over the almost 2 years I worked there but these two are why I decided that weekend relief just wasn't enough and that I would get licensed as a foster parent.
So finally- 6 years later, after 90 hours (they require 30) of foster care training, 3 rounds of CPR and First Aid training, two house visits, mandatory counseling, a fire inspection, background check, autobiography, painting and setting up the second bedroom, and prayer- my application is finally in the mail and I SHOULD (God willing) receive my Foster Care License in early-mid August.
There are those that disagree with this decision. My parents, though they helped me set up the room, are not supportive b/c they think it will decrease my market value (more so than my tattoos already have :)). To this I say, I feel like God has given me this desire and while I would prefer not to do this alone, I was never promised a husband. I don't want to put off a calling waiting on a person that may never appear. AND if marriage is in His plan for me I have full confidence in His ability to provide when I am in His will.
Others are not supportive b/c they don't feel like its the biblical view of family. I agree that a mom and dad is ideal, but if the choice is that a child stays in an abusive or group home OR comes and lives with me b/c the love Christ has given me for them then...I don't see how that would displease Him.
There are probably some of you that think I don't know what I am getting into, or may not have the knack for it, and you might be right. I pray that if this is NOT God's plan for me that my application will get rejected, or if approved I won't get a call I feel a peace about. It would be extremely disappointing to think I was wrong about God's will for me...again, but I would rather suffer disappointment than be where He isn't. (Exodus 33:15)
I am a little nervous b/c like every parent I will be giving up game nights, trivis nights, and sleeping in on Saturdays, and maybe (depending on the age of the child) have to give up some responsibilities at church that I love.
I am also nervous b/c I can only leave a child in my care with someone pre-approved by the state, at a licensed house so unlike others, my childcare options are limited. I am nervous that I will not be good at this and I do NOT want to add any pain to a child's current situation.
But for now, I am trusting God in the process.
If you think to pray for me, please do. Pray for God's will in my application approval process, that if approved I would have discernment to say yes to the placements that He would want for me, and that I would be diligent in praying unceasingly about and for this. Thank you!
It is hard to believe that was ever true given my (healthy) obsession with kids of all ages now.
While this change in perspective was developed over one short summer of divinely orchestrated experiences with some of the most amazing kids I've ever met (a story i will spare you), my desire to be a parent has been building up ever since then to the point that sometimes it feels...suffocating.
My time at Friends Of Youth:
When I lived in Seattle I worked a second job as a part time weekend relief foster parent at a group home for 11-17 year olds. Although it was a tiring job (24 hour shifts and you could have up to 6 kids) I loved it...and on top of that I was good at it. Most of these kids had been in and out of abusive homes, and been in (on average) 5-7 placements/homes since being put in foster care.
At first I enjoyed the weekend shift, but quickly I learned that our home was just a 30-60 day holding tank for these kids. Just when they were starting to trust you they would leave and you would know their future depended solely on the quality of their next placement. It became increasingly frustrating not to have the time to make a difference for them.
For instance:
RACHEL was a 13 year old whose parents were an drug addicts. The poor kid had been off and on homeless since she was 7 years old, taking care of her younger brother almost entirely by herself. When she and her brother were found on the street both were placed into foster care but in separate locations due to gender- she lost her identity (parent) and the one stable thing she had. One night she told me about the time she went to rehab to visit her mom and listened to her mom lie to her about being sober for the last time. At 13, Rachel begged her mom to voluntarily terminate her parental rights so she and her brother could have a shot at being adopted. Her maturity and self-awareness floored me. I cannot imagine how painful it would be to finally give up on your parent and beg them to let you go.
A few weeks later she told me about a family she had met that wanted her to adopt her. There were other kids in the home that were either adopted or in foster care and she said they seemed to all really love each other and be a family. She told me she was terrified that she would screw up b/c she didn't know how to be in a family, she had never had one. The night before she moved I ended up sleeping on the floor of her room b/c she was so nervous and didn't want to be alone. It's unusual to find out what happened to the kids after they left but in her case I heard that she ended up not being adopted and was actually put into another group home in less than a month. She self-sabotaged the opportunity b/c it's better to reject than be rejected when that's all you've known. I think of her often.
DAVID was 11 years old and adorable. I didn't usually work at the boys home b/c they preferred male workers when possible however, one weekend I decided to take the boys to the Kirkland pool. Kirkland is a...wealthy area and I quickly learned that people at the pool weren't too keen on sharing the pool with kids like ours.
David wasn't allowed to use the diving board until he had passed a basic swimming test. He tried and didn't pass so he cussed at the lifeguard who then threw him out of the pool. He got out and stormed off to the outside gate. After I explained to the snotty 16-year old lifeguard that he should cut these kids some slack and he WOULD be letting David take the test again I went out to talk to him.
He was doing his best not to cry and he was SO angry. All of a sudden he started punching the sidewalk with his fist-I had to physically restrain his arm to get him to stop. I asked him why he was doing that (though that I know a little about) and I listened to this sweet 11 year old tell me about how no one wanted him, he was separated from his (older) sisters and couldn't protect them, no one can tell him what will happen to him and that he just knew it was somehow his fault, if he had just done x,y,z. My heart broke. I said what I could but...you can't fix that kind of damage in a conversation. I did manage to talk him into apologizing to the lifeguard and re-taking his swimming test. He ended up (barely) passing and he was SO proud of himself. I knew right then his future would be entirely dependent on his next placement. If I could have taken him home with me, he would be with me still.
------
I have notes on a lot of kids over the almost 2 years I worked there but these two are why I decided that weekend relief just wasn't enough and that I would get licensed as a foster parent.
So finally- 6 years later, after 90 hours (they require 30) of foster care training, 3 rounds of CPR and First Aid training, two house visits, mandatory counseling, a fire inspection, background check, autobiography, painting and setting up the second bedroom, and prayer- my application is finally in the mail and I SHOULD (God willing) receive my Foster Care License in early-mid August.
There are those that disagree with this decision. My parents, though they helped me set up the room, are not supportive b/c they think it will decrease my market value (more so than my tattoos already have :)). To this I say, I feel like God has given me this desire and while I would prefer not to do this alone, I was never promised a husband. I don't want to put off a calling waiting on a person that may never appear. AND if marriage is in His plan for me I have full confidence in His ability to provide when I am in His will.
Others are not supportive b/c they don't feel like its the biblical view of family. I agree that a mom and dad is ideal, but if the choice is that a child stays in an abusive or group home OR comes and lives with me b/c the love Christ has given me for them then...I don't see how that would displease Him.
There are probably some of you that think I don't know what I am getting into, or may not have the knack for it, and you might be right. I pray that if this is NOT God's plan for me that my application will get rejected, or if approved I won't get a call I feel a peace about. It would be extremely disappointing to think I was wrong about God's will for me...again, but I would rather suffer disappointment than be where He isn't. (Exodus 33:15)
I am a little nervous b/c like every parent I will be giving up game nights, trivis nights, and sleeping in on Saturdays, and maybe (depending on the age of the child) have to give up some responsibilities at church that I love.
I am also nervous b/c I can only leave a child in my care with someone pre-approved by the state, at a licensed house so unlike others, my childcare options are limited. I am nervous that I will not be good at this and I do NOT want to add any pain to a child's current situation.
But for now, I am trusting God in the process.
If you think to pray for me, please do. Pray for God's will in my application approval process, that if approved I would have discernment to say yes to the placements that He would want for me, and that I would be diligent in praying unceasingly about and for this. Thank you!
Friday, June 11, 2010
My Stopping Point
This post is definitely going to push my boundaries of vulnerability- it's already uncomfortable...but it's just too big not to share.
DEDICATION (is that cheesy? eh, whatever): this post is dedicated to those of you who KNOW me, the depths of what I struggle with, and have had the patience to listen to what I do not say, pray consistently, cry for me, and love me well. Thank you!
On April 18th, the pastor finished his sermon (RESPOND, Luke 5:1-11) by asking: What is your stopping point for obedience?
I left frustrated by this question and remained so for the next month. I knew I had a stopping point but couldn't for the life of me figure out what it was...what was holding me back.
Then God graciously made it very clear to me-
- by my ignoring the pull to share w/ the checkout girl, whose scars I recognized
- by my resistance to sharing my testimony in front of the youth
- by my refusing to seek accountability from my community group
- by refusing to trust Him and accept the healing He offers
- by holding onto my control, this...one...thing
- by taking pride and even joy assuming this sin as part of my identity
How can I claim obedience when-
- I am terrified to share about the power of Christ when I doubt/refuse His healing
- I don't trust my community with my full past, or God to change my future
- I cling to an identity that is not of Him
The answer is I can't...I was stopped.
This past week over vacation with a good bit of fear and shame I spent time in confession before the Lord:
- disgustedly admitting the full truth and root of this sin
- grieving over an addiction that has pursued me since high school
- rejecting this sin as an option for my future, or as any part of who I am
- accepting His promise "that when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears"
So feeling free and in His will I opened my Bible and read the following:
1 Blessed is he
whose transgressions are forgiven,
whose sins are covered.
2 Blessed is the man
whose sin the LORD does not count against him
and in whose spirit is no deceit.
3 When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
4 For day and night
your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.
5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, "I will confess
my transgressions to the LORD "—
and you forgave
the guilt of my sin.
6 Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you
while you may be found;
surely when the mighty waters rise,
they will not reach him.
7 You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you.
9 Do not be like the horse or the mule,
which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you.
10 Many are the woes of the wicked,
but the LORD's unfailing love
surrounds the man who trusts in him.
11 Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous;
sing, all you who are upright in heart! PSALM 32
A- freakin Men. :)
DEDICATION (is that cheesy? eh, whatever): this post is dedicated to those of you who KNOW me, the depths of what I struggle with, and have had the patience to listen to what I do not say, pray consistently, cry for me, and love me well. Thank you!
On April 18th, the pastor finished his sermon (RESPOND, Luke 5:1-11) by asking: What is your stopping point for obedience?
I left frustrated by this question and remained so for the next month. I knew I had a stopping point but couldn't for the life of me figure out what it was...what was holding me back.
Then God graciously made it very clear to me-
- by my ignoring the pull to share w/ the checkout girl, whose scars I recognized
- by my resistance to sharing my testimony in front of the youth
- by my refusing to seek accountability from my community group
- by refusing to trust Him and accept the healing He offers
- by holding onto my control, this...one...thing
- by taking pride and even joy assuming this sin as part of my identity
How can I claim obedience when-
- I am terrified to share about the power of Christ when I doubt/refuse His healing
- I don't trust my community with my full past, or God to change my future
- I cling to an identity that is not of Him
The answer is I can't...I was stopped.
This past week over vacation with a good bit of fear and shame I spent time in confession before the Lord:
- disgustedly admitting the full truth and root of this sin
- grieving over an addiction that has pursued me since high school
- rejecting this sin as an option for my future, or as any part of who I am
- accepting His promise "that when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears"
So feeling free and in His will I opened my Bible and read the following:
1 Blessed is he
whose transgressions are forgiven,
whose sins are covered.
2 Blessed is the man
whose sin the LORD does not count against him
and in whose spirit is no deceit.
3 When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
4 For day and night
your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.
5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, "I will confess
my transgressions to the LORD "—
and you forgave
the guilt of my sin.
6 Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you
while you may be found;
surely when the mighty waters rise,
they will not reach him.
7 You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you.
9 Do not be like the horse or the mule,
which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you.
10 Many are the woes of the wicked,
but the LORD's unfailing love
surrounds the man who trusts in him.
11 Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous;
sing, all you who are upright in heart! PSALM 32
A- freakin Men. :)
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
May-topia in Review (aka My Epic Fail)
So, several of you have asked me how May-topia was going/went. Welp, to sum up, I haven't failed this bad at a goal I set in...wow, I don't know how long.
I started out May-topia by making one of my best friends cry on Day 1...yep Day 1. Now I realize that 'not making friend's cry' was not a stated goal I think it goes without saying that being a jerk would not fit into 'being the best version of myself.' Perhaps I should have given up right then.
People that love me have said that I was too ambitious and shouldn't be so hard on myself BUT really...these goals were very do-able. They are things I SHOULD be doing...these were not 'mount everest' goals.
May was the most crammed and busiest month of 2010, maybe even the last 3 years so in retrospect it might have been a bad month to pick but again...these were reasonable goals to have.
I am exhausted.
I don't know exactly what God is/was teaching me through this lovely failure as I am still processing things but I can confidently say- June-topia doesn't have the same ring...
I started out May-topia by making one of my best friends cry on Day 1...yep Day 1. Now I realize that 'not making friend's cry' was not a stated goal I think it goes without saying that being a jerk would not fit into 'being the best version of myself.' Perhaps I should have given up right then.
People that love me have said that I was too ambitious and shouldn't be so hard on myself BUT really...these goals were very do-able. They are things I SHOULD be doing...these were not 'mount everest' goals.
May was the most crammed and busiest month of 2010, maybe even the last 3 years so in retrospect it might have been a bad month to pick but again...these were reasonable goals to have.
I am exhausted.
I don't know exactly what God is/was teaching me through this lovely failure as I am still processing things but I can confidently say- June-topia doesn't have the same ring...
Sunday, May 2, 2010
MAY-TOPIA!
MAY-TOPIA is a month of living out what things I think would have me be the best version of myself possible for the glory of God alone.
My list is outlined below. I am publically declaring to live all of the below from May 3rd- June 1st.
DISCLAIMER: Please know I am not a fan of legalism for the sake of rules- I am motivated by lists/goals and I WANT these things for my life.
SPIRITUAL:
* I will spend time in prayer and the Word every morning (7:00-8:15am)
* I will spend 3 hours (plan is hour increments) of dedicated prayer time per week in addition to QT in AM (prayer plan not included here)
* I will speak only when spoken to
* I will memorize at least one verse a week
SCHEDULE:
* I will get up at 6:30am every weekday morning
* I will be in bed by 11:00, lights out no later than 12:00am on weekdays
* I will be on time for all meetings at the time I agree to be there
(Note: Tues C-group by 7:00pm (not 6:30p); Wed- SYU 6:15p)
WORK:
* I will log into work on time every morning (8:30am)
* I will take an official 30 min lunch break every day
* I will not work from any location other than my desk
* I will not do stuff for Southbridge during 8:30-5:00pm unless it is on my designated lunch break
* I will only check personal email in the AM if I have time, or on my lunch break, or after 5:00pm
PHYSICAL:
* I will RUN (or exercise at least 30 minutes) 3 x a week in the afternoon (I have a calendar of what specific days depending on what I have scheduled that I am not posting here)
MISC:
* I will watch no more than 3 hours of TV per week
* I will check Facebook only when emailed and will not stay on beyond responding
* I will volunteer for MATCH at least one shift this month
I have shared this concept with a few people who have decided to join me and I am happy to have accountability and company! Feel free to make your own May-Topia list and if you are willing to share please do!
You have my permission to ask me about, and/or hold me accountable to any and all of the above this month.
-Meghann
My list is outlined below. I am publically declaring to live all of the below from May 3rd- June 1st.
DISCLAIMER: Please know I am not a fan of legalism for the sake of rules- I am motivated by lists/goals and I WANT these things for my life.
SPIRITUAL:
* I will spend time in prayer and the Word every morning (7:00-8:15am)
* I will spend 3 hours (plan is hour increments) of dedicated prayer time per week in addition to QT in AM (prayer plan not included here)
* I will speak only when spoken to
* I will memorize at least one verse a week
SCHEDULE:
* I will get up at 6:30am every weekday morning
* I will be in bed by 11:00, lights out no later than 12:00am on weekdays
* I will be on time for all meetings at the time I agree to be there
(Note: Tues C-group by 7:00pm (not 6:30p); Wed- SYU 6:15p)
WORK:
* I will log into work on time every morning (8:30am)
* I will take an official 30 min lunch break every day
* I will not work from any location other than my desk
* I will not do stuff for Southbridge during 8:30-5:00pm unless it is on my designated lunch break
* I will only check personal email in the AM if I have time, or on my lunch break, or after 5:00pm
PHYSICAL:
* I will RUN (or exercise at least 30 minutes) 3 x a week in the afternoon (I have a calendar of what specific days depending on what I have scheduled that I am not posting here)
MISC:
* I will watch no more than 3 hours of TV per week
* I will check Facebook only when emailed and will not stay on beyond responding
* I will volunteer for MATCH at least one shift this month
I have shared this concept with a few people who have decided to join me and I am happy to have accountability and company! Feel free to make your own May-Topia list and if you are willing to share please do!
You have my permission to ask me about, and/or hold me accountable to any and all of the above this month.
-Meghann
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Predestination & Politics
DISCLAIMER: I am choosing not to discuss my politics issue by issue but more show a little bit of my heart and why I am so passionate. I am choosing to post this here vs. facebook b/c this is a personal post- not a forum for which to discuss political views. I am also not trying to convince anyone of predestination. Please consider this if you choose to post a comment. Thank you.
I have been worried for a while now that my politics have defined my character for the people who are in my life for this season and honestly I feel more alone here with so much community, than I did as the token Christian in Seattle, with little community so I am going to share a little of the perspective I have in hopes it helps me feel heard.
I am the daughter of a Southern Baptist preacher. You say Southern Baptist and people automatically have preconceived notions but my father is a non-typical SB preacher. He is AMAZING and everyone LOVES him upon meeting him; it is truly ridiculous! The reason people love him is because he LOVES people, ALL people. When you meet him you immediately see Christ and people respond to him like no one else I have ever known.
Growing up I was taught that kind of love. You love people where they are because Christ loves you unconditionally; you give people the benefit of the doubt because you have been given unlimited grace; you give away freely because nothing you have is yours-God blessed you with it; you love people where they are because God loves you, a sinner; you forgive much because you have been forgiven much- retribution is the Lord's; you share the gospel in word and deed because it is a privilege and the most important thing you can give someone; you encourage obedience and hold people responsible because you do not want them to be separated from their Creator, not because you want to win, or see changed behavior; You love others well because HE FIRST LOVED YOU. Period.
In college, I was involved in a ministry that introduced me to the topic of predestination- God's Sovereign choice in salvation. This was a hard concept for me to swallow being that I had been raised hearing 'free will.' Believing that people had the power to make a decision for a good they cannot understand. I railed against the idea that a loving God would choose to send anyone to hell. I would much rather blame you (unrepentant sinner) than accept that God has designed people for hell. I fought with anyone in the ministry who would engage; I yelled at a hateful God I could not serve when I was confronted with what I now believe is Truth.
I did an internship with Prison Fellowship the summer before my senior semester in college. That summer was the healthiest I have ever been spiritually mainly because I spent time in the Word every morning. I began objectively reading His words and read verses I couldn't explain away with free will. God was speaking to ME directly and intimately and showing a facet of His character I had never really understood- His Holiness and in turn my incredible unworthiness and depravity.
Humbled, broken, and desparately aware of my sin I was finally able to accept the amazingness of His grace! Never to be taken advantage of again. Finally understanding that I did nothing, NOTHING to deserve the grace of God in my life, the sacrifice of His Son, the privilege of being used for His glory, the future hope of eternity in His presence. Finally understanding that we all deserve Hell, that people going to hell glorifies a Holy God, and people going to heaven is mercy alone, that when hearts are changed it is God doing the action...there is nothing in me that would have me choose Him.
Because I was raised to love people- I love FIERCELY, and unconditionally.
Because I am in AWE of God's grace in my life, I seek to extend grace to others.
When I recognize that it is by the grace of God alone that I was born in a free country, with the supportive family I have, the education level I was able to achieve, and the faith HE alone gives me I am unable to judge the lost around me- I just want to help them.
It would be great to be able to help those in need through the church alone but we can't even get Christians to tithe so... if the government (a institution that is not designed by God, nor used by Christ to motivate obedience) is large enough to protect those that need protection then I am in favor.
Recognizing that some people will abuse the system and that's not fair in human temporal standards, but understanding again that I have been given grace, I am blessed with more than I need through no work of my own, and I (thankfully) have no authority to judge the condition of hearts,
Recognizing that God hates murder- of the unborn, of the innocent, of the misguided and deceived, of the sinner who could still have time to repent,
Recognizing that issues are not black and white but complicated, and that the government, regardless of party, is full of lost people just like the world around me,
Recognizing that people are sinful and legislating morality does not turn people to God but rather shows an intolerance of behavior that Christ never displayed (outside the defiling of God's temple),
Recognizing that it is my responsibility as a citizen and as a person of faith to stay informed by reliable sources, to seek God in my decisions and remain open to His leading, to consistently pray for our leaders,
Recognizing all of this- I pray, and I unashamedly vote in obedience.
The insinuation that fellow Christians need to 'overlook' that in me, or 'forgive' that or 'still love me in spite of that' is extremely offensive to me.
Thankfully, despite our disagreements on any or all of these issues, we can both rest in the Sovereignty of a Holy God and that is indeed a comfort.
I have been worried for a while now that my politics have defined my character for the people who are in my life for this season and honestly I feel more alone here with so much community, than I did as the token Christian in Seattle, with little community so I am going to share a little of the perspective I have in hopes it helps me feel heard.
I am the daughter of a Southern Baptist preacher. You say Southern Baptist and people automatically have preconceived notions but my father is a non-typical SB preacher. He is AMAZING and everyone LOVES him upon meeting him; it is truly ridiculous! The reason people love him is because he LOVES people, ALL people. When you meet him you immediately see Christ and people respond to him like no one else I have ever known.
Growing up I was taught that kind of love. You love people where they are because Christ loves you unconditionally; you give people the benefit of the doubt because you have been given unlimited grace; you give away freely because nothing you have is yours-God blessed you with it; you love people where they are because God loves you, a sinner; you forgive much because you have been forgiven much- retribution is the Lord's; you share the gospel in word and deed because it is a privilege and the most important thing you can give someone; you encourage obedience and hold people responsible because you do not want them to be separated from their Creator, not because you want to win, or see changed behavior; You love others well because HE FIRST LOVED YOU. Period.
In college, I was involved in a ministry that introduced me to the topic of predestination- God's Sovereign choice in salvation. This was a hard concept for me to swallow being that I had been raised hearing 'free will.' Believing that people had the power to make a decision for a good they cannot understand. I railed against the idea that a loving God would choose to send anyone to hell. I would much rather blame you (unrepentant sinner) than accept that God has designed people for hell. I fought with anyone in the ministry who would engage; I yelled at a hateful God I could not serve when I was confronted with what I now believe is Truth.
I did an internship with Prison Fellowship the summer before my senior semester in college. That summer was the healthiest I have ever been spiritually mainly because I spent time in the Word every morning. I began objectively reading His words and read verses I couldn't explain away with free will. God was speaking to ME directly and intimately and showing a facet of His character I had never really understood- His Holiness and in turn my incredible unworthiness and depravity.
Humbled, broken, and desparately aware of my sin I was finally able to accept the amazingness of His grace! Never to be taken advantage of again. Finally understanding that I did nothing, NOTHING to deserve the grace of God in my life, the sacrifice of His Son, the privilege of being used for His glory, the future hope of eternity in His presence. Finally understanding that we all deserve Hell, that people going to hell glorifies a Holy God, and people going to heaven is mercy alone, that when hearts are changed it is God doing the action...there is nothing in me that would have me choose Him.
Because I was raised to love people- I love FIERCELY, and unconditionally.
Because I am in AWE of God's grace in my life, I seek to extend grace to others.
When I recognize that it is by the grace of God alone that I was born in a free country, with the supportive family I have, the education level I was able to achieve, and the faith HE alone gives me I am unable to judge the lost around me- I just want to help them.
It would be great to be able to help those in need through the church alone but we can't even get Christians to tithe so... if the government (a institution that is not designed by God, nor used by Christ to motivate obedience) is large enough to protect those that need protection then I am in favor.
Recognizing that some people will abuse the system and that's not fair in human temporal standards, but understanding again that I have been given grace, I am blessed with more than I need through no work of my own, and I (thankfully) have no authority to judge the condition of hearts,
Recognizing that God hates murder- of the unborn, of the innocent, of the misguided and deceived, of the sinner who could still have time to repent,
Recognizing that issues are not black and white but complicated, and that the government, regardless of party, is full of lost people just like the world around me,
Recognizing that people are sinful and legislating morality does not turn people to God but rather shows an intolerance of behavior that Christ never displayed (outside the defiling of God's temple),
Recognizing that it is my responsibility as a citizen and as a person of faith to stay informed by reliable sources, to seek God in my decisions and remain open to His leading, to consistently pray for our leaders,
Recognizing all of this- I pray, and I unashamedly vote in obedience.
The insinuation that fellow Christians need to 'overlook' that in me, or 'forgive' that or 'still love me in spite of that' is extremely offensive to me.
Thankfully, despite our disagreements on any or all of these issues, we can both rest in the Sovereignty of a Holy God and that is indeed a comfort.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Nope, this blog won't be about being single...but this post is
My first and only official boyfriend was my high school sweetheart; he was also my last relationship when I re-dated him for 6 months in 2003. That's right, it's been SEVEN years (IF you even count the re-dating incident which I like to chalk up to a colossal lapse in judgment).
My last date was probably over two years ago when, in a desperate attempt to escape my 'working from home' hermit-like existence, I posted an ad on Craigslist just to get out of the house. Sigh, I know.
USUALLY I am perfectly content single...really. I am very busy with things I LOVE to do, things that matter. I am beginning to form what I hope will become deep friendships with people I adore and respect. I 100% trust God with my future (most days). I have a career, I own a home, I have no debt, and I have been paying my own bills for at least the last 9 years.
HOWEVER, this time last year, I reconnected with a guy I knew from a couple mission trips I went on in the late 90's. When you are single and you reconnect with someone through random circumstances you have to really fight the urge to make it more of a divine connection than it may be.
But for the first time in years I was actually excited about someone!
Thankfully God did a good job of honoring my desperate prayers to protect my heart and keep me in His will b/c though this guy is pretty perfect- he is apparently pretty perfect for someone else.
So excitement died, and what sucked the most about this is that my lovely little self-righteous mantra that "God never promised me a husband, that isn't a biblical promise I can claim," while still just as valid, doesn't seem to do quite the job it use to.
The other day it hit me that I hide behind that little mantra to protect myself from asking God for what I really want... or what I think I want (most days). So I am going to admit it here though it pains me to be what (if I am honest) I perceive as a weak.
I want to get married.
I want to be a wife.
I want to be a mother.
I want someone to want to provide for me.
I want to be submissive to a spiritual leader who I respect, and who challenges me.
I want to be an active participant and constant support in my husbands ministry.
I want to be supported by my husband in my own ministry efforts.
I want to make decisions with someone who is equally invested in the outcome.
I want a partner to help me do more than we could ever do alone.
I want to feel safe having arguments with one who is committed to me and therefore resolution.
I want to know and be known as completely as we can on earth.
I want to fall in love with the Christ I see in a man.
I want to be completely and sacrificially in love with a man I genuinely like.
So I will ask God for this.
AND if this is not God's will for me then I want a REALLY BIG PURPOSE that only I, as the single person He created, could accomplish for His eternal purpose.
For now I will pray that I recognize this as true in my life:
8I have set the Lord continually before me; because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. 9Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoices; my flesh also will dwell securely. 11You will make known to me the path of Life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; in Your right hand there are pleasures forever. Psalm 16:8-9, 11 (NASB)
My last date was probably over two years ago when, in a desperate attempt to escape my 'working from home' hermit-like existence, I posted an ad on Craigslist just to get out of the house. Sigh, I know.
USUALLY I am perfectly content single...really. I am very busy with things I LOVE to do, things that matter. I am beginning to form what I hope will become deep friendships with people I adore and respect. I 100% trust God with my future (most days). I have a career, I own a home, I have no debt, and I have been paying my own bills for at least the last 9 years.
HOWEVER, this time last year, I reconnected with a guy I knew from a couple mission trips I went on in the late 90's. When you are single and you reconnect with someone through random circumstances you have to really fight the urge to make it more of a divine connection than it may be.
But for the first time in years I was actually excited about someone!
Thankfully God did a good job of honoring my desperate prayers to protect my heart and keep me in His will b/c though this guy is pretty perfect- he is apparently pretty perfect for someone else.
So excitement died, and what sucked the most about this is that my lovely little self-righteous mantra that "God never promised me a husband, that isn't a biblical promise I can claim," while still just as valid, doesn't seem to do quite the job it use to.
The other day it hit me that I hide behind that little mantra to protect myself from asking God for what I really want... or what I think I want (most days). So I am going to admit it here though it pains me to be what (if I am honest) I perceive as a weak.
I want to get married.
I want to be a wife.
I want to be a mother.
I want someone to want to provide for me.
I want to be submissive to a spiritual leader who I respect, and who challenges me.
I want to be an active participant and constant support in my husbands ministry.
I want to be supported by my husband in my own ministry efforts.
I want to make decisions with someone who is equally invested in the outcome.
I want a partner to help me do more than we could ever do alone.
I want to feel safe having arguments with one who is committed to me and therefore resolution.
I want to know and be known as completely as we can on earth.
I want to fall in love with the Christ I see in a man.
I want to be completely and sacrificially in love with a man I genuinely like.
So I will ask God for this.
AND if this is not God's will for me then I want a REALLY BIG PURPOSE that only I, as the single person He created, could accomplish for His eternal purpose.
For now I will pray that I recognize this as true in my life:
8I have set the Lord continually before me; because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. 9Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoices; my flesh also will dwell securely. 11You will make known to me the path of Life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; in Your right hand there are pleasures forever. Psalm 16:8-9, 11 (NASB)
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