Nope, this blog won't be about being single...but this post is

My first and only official boyfriend was my high school sweetheart; he was also my last relationship when I re-dated him for 6 months in 2003. That's right, it's been SEVEN years (IF you even count the re-dating incident which I like to chalk up to a colossal lapse in judgment).

My last date was probably over two years ago when, in a desperate attempt to escape my 'working from home' hermit-like existence, I posted an ad on Craigslist just to get out of the house. Sigh, I know.

USUALLY I am perfectly content single...really. I am very busy with things I LOVE to do, things that matter. I am beginning to form what I hope will become deep friendships with people I adore and respect. I 100% trust God with my future (most days). I have a career, I own a home, I have no debt, and I have been paying my own bills for at least the last 9 years.

HOWEVER, this time last year, I reconnected with a guy I knew from a couple mission trips I went on in the late 90's. When you are single and you reconnect with someone through random circumstances you have to really fight the urge to make it more of a divine connection than it may be.

But for the first time in years I was actually excited about someone!

Thankfully God did a good job of honoring my desperate prayers to protect my heart and keep me in His will b/c though this guy is pretty perfect- he is apparently pretty perfect for someone else.

So excitement died, and what sucked the most about this is that my lovely little self-righteous mantra that "God never promised me a husband, that isn't a biblical promise I can claim," while still just as valid, doesn't seem to do quite the job it use to.

The other day it hit me that I hide behind that little mantra to protect myself from asking God for what I really want... or what I think I want (most days). So I am going to admit it here though it pains me to be what (if I am honest) I perceive as a weak.

I want to get married.
I want to be a wife.
I want to be a mother.
I want someone to want to provide for me.
I want to be submissive to a spiritual leader who I respect, and who challenges me.
I want to be an active participant and constant support in my husbands ministry.
I want to be supported by my husband in my own ministry efforts.
I want to make decisions with someone who is equally invested in the outcome.
I want a partner to help me do more than we could ever do alone.
I want to feel safe having arguments with one who is committed to me and therefore resolution.
I want to know and be known as completely as we can on earth.
I want to fall in love with the Christ I see in a man.
I want to be completely and sacrificially in love with a man I genuinely like.

So I will ask God for this.

AND if this is not God's will for me then I want a REALLY BIG PURPOSE that only I, as the single person He created, could accomplish for His eternal purpose.

For now I will pray that I recognize this as true in my life:
8I have set the Lord continually before me; because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. 9Therefore my heart is glad and my glory rejoices; my flesh also will dwell securely. 11You will make known to me the path of Life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; in Your right hand there are pleasures forever. Psalm 16:8-9, 11 (NASB)