He loves me loud

(aka the good, the bad, and the redeemed)

I have always had a hard time with 1 Peter 3:4--
4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.

I can get behind the inner self being beautiful part, but it is the gentle, quiet spirit part that haunts me. No one, in the history of my 31 years, would ever use 'quiet' or 'gentle' to describe me. No one. In fact, I may be one of the loudest people I know.

Now, I realize this 'quiet' doesn't necessarily mean volume, and understanding that, I am still one of the loudest people I know.

This had been really bothering me a good bit and caused me to pray about my communication in general.

This year He has shown me the below-

GOOD:
I AM a decent listener despite worries in the past that I was not.
I am insightful/intuitive and seem to be able to read people pretty accurately.
I am a good #2 and love tasks involving administration, organization, and implementing structure.
I communicate clearly, concisely, gently and well in written word.
I have valid, creative ideas when I am invested.
I CAN lead.
I CAN choose to trust Him.

BAD:
I have an unhealthy need to be needed
I am lonely even when surrounded by people because I don't trust them enough to share anything of consequence
I constantly apologize for perceived miscommunication b/c I am paranoid of being misunderstood
I am incapable of keeping opinions to myself
I irrationally hate to be left out or miss things
I 'punish' people I am angry with by not talking to them...like a 4 year old
I take constructive criticism as a personal failure
I am not a strong leader
I don't deserve to lead youth b/c I am not consistent with my time in the Word
I hurt myself when I get overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy instead of dealing with the sin root
I don't know Christ, the person

So while I was praying that God would take all this away and make me quieter, help me stop being so opinionated, outgoing...my definition of loud, He showed me through His word and some of you-

HIS TRUTH & REDEMPTION:
*I am needed in the body of Christ- I am a separate unique body part that functions in a way with my gifts that no one else can. And while I am not needed, I am wanted.
*I am surrounded by people that love Christ, love me, and hear/see my heart and are worthy of my trust...if I will be brave enough to trust Him with the relationship
*My apologizing is self-absorption- it is a pride issue- and if I seek Him in all words and deeds I will have nothing to apologize for and no reason to feel misunderstood.
*My opinions are appreciated when given in right motivation, and it is a lie from Satan that they are not valid or wanted.
*It's not important that I be included in everything- I can trust Him to order my steps and be where I need to be when it matters that I be there.
*Using communication or lack of as punishment is sin; if I value relationships I will confess my sin and ask forgiveness from those I have sinned against with my attitude.
*My spiritual gift type is Servant and (per assessment) we often take things personally and blame ourselves for relational breakdowns, but there is both grace and growth to be found in any breakdown.
*God is calling me to be a leader right now and any success I achieve is by HIS power and for HIS glory alone.
*I have a supernatural love and energy for middle school girls and He will use me, despite me, b/c it's not about me (and I should be in His Word)
*I have freedom from any addiction or sin when I approach Him with a repentant heart believing His promises and trust Him with my authentic wants, needs, and grateful praise.
*Any good in me is Christ, I am depraved and incapable of reflecting any of His character without the power of His Holy Spirit working in me, and Christ the person desires a relationship with me.

Because He first loved me I am of great worth in His sight. By grace alone He sees my gentle and quiet spirit and He loves me LOUD! :)