Back when I hated kids...

It was the summer of 2000 and I hated kids. I remember always hating kids up to that point. Maybe hate is a strong word- I never chose to be around kids, never planned to have any of my own, would barely tolerate kids of friends, babysat only for the money and only if I didn't have ANYTHING else to do, and had no nephews/nieces to show me the error of my disdain.

It is hard to believe that was ever true given my (healthy) obsession with kids of all ages now.

While this change in perspective was developed over one short summer of divinely orchestrated experiences with some of the most amazing kids I've ever met (a story i will spare you), my desire to be a parent has been building up ever since then to the point that sometimes it feels...suffocating.

My time at Friends Of Youth:
When I lived in Seattle I worked a second job as a part time weekend relief foster parent at a group home for 11-17 year olds. Although it was a tiring job (24 hour shifts and you could have up to 6 kids) I loved it...and on top of that I was good at it. Most of these kids had been in and out of abusive homes, and been in (on average) 5-7 placements/homes since being put in foster care.

At first I enjoyed the weekend shift, but quickly I learned that our home was just a 30-60 day holding tank for these kids. Just when they were starting to trust you they would leave and you would know their future depended solely on the quality of their next placement. It became increasingly frustrating not to have the time to make a difference for them.

For instance:

RACHEL was a 13 year old whose parents were an drug addicts. The poor kid had been off and on homeless since she was 7 years old, taking care of her younger brother almost entirely by herself. When she and her brother were found on the street both were placed into foster care but in separate locations due to gender- she lost her identity (parent) and the one stable thing she had. One night she told me about the time she went to rehab to visit her mom and listened to her mom lie to her about being sober for the last time. At 13, Rachel begged her mom to voluntarily terminate her parental rights so she and her brother could have a shot at being adopted. Her maturity and self-awareness floored me. I cannot imagine how painful it would be to finally give up on your parent and beg them to let you go.

A few weeks later she told me about a family she had met that wanted her to adopt her. There were other kids in the home that were either adopted or in foster care and she said they seemed to all really love each other and be a family. She told me she was terrified that she would screw up b/c she didn't know how to be in a family, she had never had one. The night before she moved I ended up sleeping on the floor of her room b/c she was so nervous and didn't want to be alone. It's unusual to find out what happened to the kids after they left but in her case I heard that she ended up not being adopted and was actually put into another group home in less than a month. She self-sabotaged the opportunity b/c it's better to reject than be rejected when that's all you've known. I think of her often.

DAVID was 11 years old and adorable. I didn't usually work at the boys home b/c they preferred male workers when possible however, one weekend I decided to take the boys to the Kirkland pool. Kirkland is a...wealthy area and I quickly learned that people at the pool weren't too keen on sharing the pool with kids like ours.

David wasn't allowed to use the diving board until he had passed a basic swimming test. He tried and didn't pass so he cussed at the lifeguard who then threw him out of the pool. He got out and stormed off to the outside gate. After I explained to the snotty 16-year old lifeguard that he should cut these kids some slack and he WOULD be letting David take the test again I went out to talk to him.

He was doing his best not to cry and he was SO angry. All of a sudden he started punching the sidewalk with his fist-I had to physically restrain his arm to get him to stop. I asked him why he was doing that (though that I know a little about) and I listened to this sweet 11 year old tell me about how no one wanted him, he was separated from his (older) sisters and couldn't protect them, no one can tell him what will happen to him and that he just knew it was somehow his fault, if he had just done x,y,z. My heart broke. I said what I could but...you can't fix that kind of damage in a conversation. I did manage to talk him into apologizing to the lifeguard and re-taking his swimming test. He ended up (barely) passing and he was SO proud of himself. I knew right then his future would be entirely dependent on his next placement. If I could have taken him home with me, he would be with me still.
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I have notes on a lot of kids over the almost 2 years I worked there but these two are why I decided that weekend relief just wasn't enough and that I would get licensed as a foster parent.

So finally- 6 years later, after 90 hours (they require 30) of foster care training, 3 rounds of CPR and First Aid training, two house visits, mandatory counseling, a fire inspection, background check, autobiography, painting and setting up the second bedroom, and prayer- my application is finally in the mail and I SHOULD (God willing) receive my Foster Care License in early-mid August.

There are those that disagree with this decision. My parents, though they helped me set up the room, are not supportive b/c they think it will decrease my market value (more so than my tattoos already have :)). To this I say, I feel like God has given me this desire and while I would prefer not to do this alone, I was never promised a husband. I don't want to put off a calling waiting on a person that may never appear. AND if marriage is in His plan for me I have full confidence in His ability to provide when I am in His will.

Others are not supportive b/c they don't feel like its the biblical view of family. I agree that a mom and dad is ideal, but if the choice is that a child stays in an abusive or group home OR comes and lives with me b/c the love Christ has given me for them then...I don't see how that would displease Him.

There are probably some of you that think I don't know what I am getting into, or may not have the knack for it, and you might be right. I pray that if this is NOT God's plan for me that my application will get rejected, or if approved I won't get a call I feel a peace about. It would be extremely disappointing to think I was wrong about God's will for me...again, but I would rather suffer disappointment than be where He isn't. (Exodus 33:15)

I am a little nervous b/c like every parent I will be giving up game nights, trivis nights, and sleeping in on Saturdays, and maybe (depending on the age of the child) have to give up some responsibilities at church that I love.
I am also nervous b/c I can only leave a child in my care with someone pre-approved by the state, at a licensed house so unlike others, my childcare options are limited. I am nervous that I will not be good at this and I do NOT want to add any pain to a child's current situation.

But for now, I am trusting God in the process.

If you think to pray for me, please do. Pray for God's will in my application approval process, that if approved I would have discernment to say yes to the placements that He would want for me, and that I would be diligent in praying unceasingly about and for this. Thank you!