Not THAT girl.

YOU'RE
Your weakness disgusts me
I can barely stand to watch you breathe as you hide in your sleep
I can barely stand to watch you chew as you hide in your overindulgence
I can barely stand to watch your lips move as you hide in new excuses, disappointing someone else...again.
You sit on your ass and I am revolted by your laziness
My self righteous indignation causes me to want to hurt you
The thought of causing you pain enters my mind like a fresh breeze, blowing a perverse smile across my face
I imagine "teaching you a lesson" and causing you pain plays in my head like a home movie
I roll my eyes as you whine
I suck my teeth as you swear to change
I clench my fists as your words fall on numb ears
I bite my lip as you defend yourself, pity yourself
I have no pity for you, no sympathy
I detest you
I loathe being around you
I hate your sad eyes, overused frown... your scars
You can't hide who you really are
You're empty
rejected,
damaged,
pathetic
Your weakness shows in every face you make
Your desperation is heard in every syllable you speak
Your urgency is transparent in every attempt you make to hide
No one else may see if for what it is, but I do
I KNOW you
I hate you
I hurt you
Because you're me.

- MA 5/2003

Ouch. That's harsh.

God has taught me SO much over the last 7 years... Right?
I am not THAT girl... Right?

I thought so, but then I sin in a way that I thought I was beyond and I am right back here, feeling JUST like this, in MOMENTS.

What is WRONG with me?? Just like that I am pathetic, weak, completely frustrated, unworthy, lost.

But... why I am so arrogant to be surprised that I would sin? How self absorbed to be so disgusted at me, God's creation, than my SIN.

Sin makes the picture of Christ's sacrifice the amazing and beautiful gift that it is. It is this sin that shows me how depraved I am, and how much I need a Savior.

Not excusing my sin, but it is a lie from Satan that I am anything less than God's child whom He loves enough to send His only Son to die on my behalf so that I can glorify His name by accepting His incredible gift of grace.

So, No, I am NOT that girl.

This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. 25 God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith. Romans 3:23-25a