Worthless Worthiness

This post reads a little... disconnected but... it connects in my head.

It is amazing to me how hard a worker I can be and simultaneously be the laziest person I know.

I have always taken a lot of pride in my work - ability, ethic, quality, etc... and therefore have always gotten a great sense of worthiness from my occupation.

When I first started at my last job, I remember telling them that one of my biggest flaws was denfensiveness - taking things personally and reacting rather than listening. It's a big flaw. Thankfully, after 8 years they had beat it out of me. I learned how to 'self-acknowledge,' to proactively admit mistakes without fear, to be bold when it was called for, to have an opinion, but to present opinions respectfully, to take responsibility, and just get things done.

For 7-ish years I was very proud of my work, especially being able to be disciplined to work from home and thrive without an office and interactions... until I wasn't.

If you asked me what I did I was proud to say "National Relationship Manager." I worked hard for that title... I earned it... and I was good at it... until I wasn't.

I don't know what broke exactly. A combination of things - some their fault, some mine but ultimately... mine.

(Being forced into) Leaving my job was a good humbling break for me. Had to stop and ponder just how much worth I got from the 'doing of' work.' More than any extracurricular activities I do or volunteer with, I LOVE working most... because of how it makes me feel.

I was talking to a friend the other day and complaining about being in an office again because of some dumb rumor going around about me by people who haven't said two words to me the whole 4 months I have been there. She said "I think you dwell too much on work. We talk about it a lot."

I snapped at her.

"Well, I spend 40-50 hours there, it's most of my life! We talk about your kids all the time b/c that's what takes YOUR time. And besides, I don't have a husband so I don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff!! You and Josh have each other to talk to about. Doesn't he talk about work?? I won't feel bad about this. If you don't want to hear about work, FINE."

Whoa. That reads like the 4-year old I must have sounded like to her.

Thinking about it this week, I got pretty frustrated at a co-worker and cut her off, I gossipped at one point and then tried to make myself feel better by confessing to others on my team, I was grumpy with my boss. I haven't eaten lunch all week and have no energy for any of the other commitments in the week so I blew off community group (and I host it), I barely prepared for the middle school Bible study i lead on Friday's and was in a foul mood before those precious girls showed up. My Christmas Tree is still up, I didn't go to Kairos training today, I didn't help a friend who needed it today, I haven't seen one of my closest friends here in two weeks, not to mention my sister/nephew. I feel like a loser.

Friends that love me are quick to correct me "you are not a loser!" But the only place I don't feel like a loser is at work. I am giving ALL my attention to work.

It is true that God has placed me at THIS company, at THIS time, with the great people I work with for a reason but if I keep placing my worthiness in the earthly, I will miss the point of this amazing position.

I know that it is God who enables me to be successful- that is never in question, but I so want to be worthy and the place I seek to feel worthy has always been my job.

What I have been missing is the connection between these two things. Doing a good job is not bad - its a biblical command but finding worth in DOING is never of worth. If I let work take over and lose sight of the point of ALL this- to glorify God with my life - then I am finding worth in worthless things.  

So, I hope the next burning work story I have to tell is about an opportunity given and taken to be Christ to those I live office life with, or excitment about a middle schooler or an inmate that was changed by the gospel. That I would value what is ultimately and eternally worthy.

So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. Give no offense to Jews or to Greeks or to the church of God, just as I try to please everyone in everything I do, not seeking my own advantage, but that of many, that they may be saved. 1 Corinthians 10:31-33