the truth... Truth

So I am in an extra honest mood... rare... I don't lie, but I rarely volunteer the truth beyond what I am asked. I'm nervous to post this because I hate looking weak more than anything, but that's pride so, here you go. Hopefully you won't think any less of me.

Right now, for the past few weeks actually, I've felt crazy. Like text book crazy.

In older posts I have alluded to a past addiction that I have never actually confessed by name on here so - I have a history of self-injury (cutting/burning etc...)

See here for more general info on that: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/01/05/cutting-and-self-injury/

I started when I was in high school, it was at it's worst in college to early twenties, but it lingered til a couple years ago. It was my completely rational (to me in the moment) way of dealing with emotions I couldn't control usually brought on by other people being able to control my feelings/moods and then my subsequent feelings of weakness = lack of control.

Spells of this were almost always brought on by someone else (usually a male) making me feel something that made me uncomfortable. The idea of someones behavior and communication or lack of communication having any sort of power over my mood, tone of my day, or my confidence has always been extremely uncomfortable for me.

I think God has slowly been chipping away at whatever the root of my crazy is little by little. In the late 90's I prayed for self-esteem (which I had previously struggled with) and He granted it... immediately. Then a couple years ago He showed me that my cutting 'addiction' was sin and not who I was and He healed me of that. It's not even a remote option now. I don't struggle with either. And I am grateful.

(See post: 'Stopping Point' for that story)

In past posts I have also touted how perfectly fine I am as a single most of the time and how (most days) I completely trust God with my future. Those things are still true.

And yet... the last couple weeks I have felt crazier than ever before... well maybe not ever, but pretty darn crazy. My thought life is uncontrollable and again it has been brought on by another person (male) in the form of a crush (for lack of a better word). Ridiculous.

I am so frustrated at myself. I flip between analyzing someone elses behavior; to talking myself out of even caring; to discussing it to death with very patient friends; to agonizing over my own behaviors that would [in any other situation] be completely natural expressions of care from me; to deciding to just let it go; to considering just asking for clarification; to thinking how incredibly stupid, uncomfortable, (and weak) that would be; to pep-talking myself to be tough; "you don't even know if you care;" to talking myself out of thinking he'd like me (which is completely inconsequential to this); to telling myself again... WHO CARES; to listening to really loud worship music; to journaling prayers about how much I trust God and don't understand this; to begging Him to take these stupid thoughts away; to listening to a friend tell me He's trying to teach me something from this; to getting mad at the person; to being angry that I can't stay focused; to IMing someone to talk me out of it; to begging, BEGGING God to take the crazy, to...

Are you tired? Because I am SO tired.

But this is my thought life despite all my best efforts to stifle.

Normally I don't blog until I have a resolution. Some solid lesson I've learned but tonight I blog to get it out... to be honest... to be done.

There are all kinds of things God could be teaching me in this. The go-to would be trust but the funny thing is I DO trust Him. I really, really do. Maybe it will be something about pride & control, or my fear of needing anyone, or making me open to love & intimacy in general, and how any and all of this impacts my relationship with Christ...

This crazy too shall pass, and I will be back to even keel, and God will have taught me something that brings me closer to Him and I will look back and feel silly but be grateful and it will all be worth it... I just hope it's sooner than later.

Meanwhile I will keep singing:*
I need you to soften my heart, open my eyes to see that you are shaping my life, ALL I am I surrender.
Give me faith to trust what You say- that You're good, and YOUR love is great. I am broken inside, I give you my life.
I may be weak but Your spirit is STRONG in me.
My flesh may fail but MY God, You NEVER will.

But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find Him if you look for Him with ALL your heart and with all your soul. When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the Lord your God and obey Him. For the Lord your God is a merciful God; He will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant. Deuteronomy 4:29-31

*Give Me Faith, Elevation Worship