My Stopping Point

This post is definitely going to push my boundaries of vulnerability- it's already uncomfortable...but it's just too big not to share.

DEDICATION (is that cheesy? eh, whatever): this post is dedicated to those of you who KNOW me, the depths of what I struggle with, and have had the patience to listen to what I do not say, pray consistently, cry for me, and love me well. Thank you!

On April 18th, the pastor finished his sermon (RESPOND, Luke 5:1-11) by asking: What is your stopping point for obedience?

I left frustrated by this question and remained so for the next month. I knew I had a stopping point but couldn't for the life of me figure out what it was...what was holding me back.

Then God graciously made it very clear to me-
- by my ignoring the pull to share w/ the checkout girl, whose scars I recognized
- by my resistance to sharing my testimony in front of the youth
- by my refusing to seek accountability from my community group
- by refusing to trust Him and accept the healing He offers
- by holding onto my control, this...one...thing
- by taking pride and even joy assuming this sin as part of my identity

How can I claim obedience when-
- I am terrified to share about the power of Christ when I doubt/refuse His healing
- I don't trust my community with my full past, or God to change my future
- I cling to an identity that is not of Him

The answer is I can't...I was stopped.

This past week over vacation with a good bit of fear and shame I spent time in confession before the Lord:
- disgustedly admitting the full truth and root of this sin
- grieving over an addiction that has pursued me since high school
- rejecting this sin as an option for my future, or as any part of who I am
- accepting His promise "that when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears"

So feeling free and in His will I opened my Bible and read the following:

1 Blessed is he
whose transgressions are forgiven,
whose sins are covered.

2 Blessed is the man
whose sin the LORD does not count against him
and in whose spirit is no deceit.

3 When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.

4 For day and night
your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.

5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, "I will confess
my transgressions to the LORD "—
and you forgave
the guilt of my sin.

6 Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you
while you may be found;
surely when the mighty waters rise,
they will not reach him.

7 You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.

8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you.

9 Do not be like the horse or the mule,
which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you.

10 Many are the woes of the wicked,
but the LORD's unfailing love
surrounds the man who trusts in him.

11 Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous;
sing, all you who are upright in heart! PSALM 32

A- freakin Men. :)

May-topia in Review (aka My Epic Fail)

So, several of you have asked me how May-topia was going/went. Welp, to sum up, I haven't failed this bad at a goal I set in...wow, I don't know how long.

I started out May-topia by making one of my best friends cry on Day 1...yep Day 1. Now I realize that 'not making friend's cry' was not a stated goal I think it goes without saying that being a jerk would not fit into 'being the best version of myself.' Perhaps I should have given up right then.

People that love me have said that I was too ambitious and shouldn't be so hard on myself BUT really...these goals were very do-able. They are things I SHOULD be doing...these were not 'mount everest' goals.

May was the most crammed and busiest month of 2010, maybe even the last 3 years so in retrospect it might have been a bad month to pick but again...these were reasonable goals to have.

I am exhausted.

I don't know exactly what God is/was teaching me through this lovely failure as I am still processing things but I can confidently say- June-topia doesn't have the same ring...