So I am in an extra honest mood... rare... I don't lie, but I rarely volunteer the truth beyond what I am asked. I'm nervous to post this because I hate looking weak more than anything, but that's pride so, here you go. Hopefully you won't think any less of me.
Right now, for the past few weeks actually, I've felt crazy. Like text book crazy.
In older posts I have alluded to a past addiction that I have never actually confessed by name on here so - I have a history of self-injury (cutting/burning etc...)
See here for more general info on that: http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/01/05/cutting-and-self-injury/
I started when I was in high school, it was at it's worst in college to early twenties, but it lingered til a couple years ago. It was my completely rational (to me in the moment) way of dealing with emotions I couldn't control usually brought on by other people being able to control my feelings/moods and then my subsequent feelings of weakness = lack of control.
Spells of this were almost always brought on by someone else (usually a male) making me feel something that made me uncomfortable. The idea of someones behavior and communication or lack of communication having any sort of power over my mood, tone of my day, or my confidence has always been extremely uncomfortable for me.
I think God has slowly been chipping away at whatever the root of my crazy is little by little. In the late 90's I prayed for self-esteem (which I had previously struggled with) and He granted it... immediately. Then a couple years ago He showed me that my cutting 'addiction' was sin and not who I was and He healed me of that. It's not even a remote option now. I don't struggle with either. And I am grateful.
(See post: 'Stopping Point' for that story)
In past posts I have also touted how perfectly fine I am as a single most of the time and how (most days) I completely trust God with my future. Those things are still true.
And yet... the last couple weeks I have felt crazier than ever before... well maybe not ever, but pretty darn crazy. My thought life is uncontrollable and again it has been brought on by another person (male) in the form of a crush (for lack of a better word). Ridiculous.
I am so frustrated at myself. I flip between analyzing someone elses behavior; to talking myself out of even caring; to discussing it to death with very patient friends; to agonizing over my own behaviors that would [in any other situation] be completely natural expressions of care from me; to deciding to just let it go; to considering just asking for clarification; to thinking how incredibly stupid, uncomfortable, (and weak) that would be; to pep-talking myself to be tough; "you don't even know if you care;" to talking myself out of thinking he'd like me (which is completely inconsequential to this); to telling myself again... WHO CARES; to listening to really loud worship music; to journaling prayers about how much I trust God and don't understand this; to begging Him to take these stupid thoughts away; to listening to a friend tell me He's trying to teach me something from this; to getting mad at the person; to being angry that I can't stay focused; to IMing someone to talk me out of it; to begging, BEGGING God to take the crazy, to...
Are you tired? Because I am SO tired.
But this is my thought life despite all my best efforts to stifle.
Normally I don't blog until I have a resolution. Some solid lesson I've learned but tonight I blog to get it out... to be honest... to be done.
There are all kinds of things God could be teaching me in this. The go-to would be trust but the funny thing is I DO trust Him. I really, really do. Maybe it will be something about pride & control, or my fear of needing anyone, or making me open to love & intimacy in general, and how any and all of this impacts my relationship with Christ...
This crazy too shall pass, and I will be back to even keel, and God will have taught me something that brings me closer to Him and I will look back and feel silly but be grateful and it will all be worth it... I just hope it's sooner than later.
Meanwhile I will keep singing:*
I need you to soften my heart, open my eyes to see that you are shaping my life, ALL I am I surrender.
Give me faith to trust what You say- that You're good, and YOUR love is great. I am broken inside, I give you my life.
I may be weak but Your spirit is STRONG in me.
My flesh may fail but MY God, You NEVER will.
But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find Him if you look for Him with ALL your heart and with all your soul. When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the Lord your God and obey Him. For the Lord your God is a merciful God; He will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant. Deuteronomy 4:29-31
*Give Me Faith, Elevation Worship
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Friday, December 16, 2011
When it sucks to be single
I don't really struggle with being single... I don't mean to say that I never have moments where I wish for a family, or try on my sisters engagement ring, or covet someone elses children, or sleep with a knife under my pillow :), but overall- day to day, I feel pretty satisfied and complete in life.
My conversations with other singles have increased as of late. We all agree on certain things that well intentioned married people say that are quite frustrating.
For example:
* God has someone out there for you.
(that's not scriptural)
* Do you think you are being too picky?
(this is the rest of my life, so no, I don't)
* Maybe if you were a little more approachable... a little less... handled. Guys like to be needed.
(out of necessity I have been taking care of myself the last 10 years, I can't act any differently)
* Why don't you try online dating?
(I have better things to do with my time than shop online)
* Christian guys just won't take risks. You should ask them maybe. I would set you up if I knew anyone.
(Whining about Christian guys is a conversation better had with them)
* OH, I have a friend that's single- maybe you guys could go out.
.Um, I am going to need a little more in common than our marital status)
* [Family function- haven't seen me in years- first question] So, are you dating anyone?
(nope, and now I feel like a loser, and yes, I prefer boys)
Granted I put my own spin on this but these are pretty accurate translations to single (female) ears.
For the record, while well intended, none of these are helpful; I wasn't worried about this to begin with.
In all fairness though, I have never asked for what I need - this post is my attempt to do just that.
For ME, being single is hard at very specific times.
I want a family more than anything so... being single is hard when:
* My best friend tells me she is pregnant with number 3 and I feel so behind. We were supposed to be raising our kids like cousins.
* A close friend is having issues with her kids, or marriage, or breastfeeding and I am not the person she calls because I can't help.
* I am babysitting and the child doesn't want me to put them to bed, they want their mommy and it doesn't matter how much fun they had with me, it's not the same and I can't make them feel 100% safe.
I want to be an irreplaceable encouragement and support to a godly man... so being single is hard when:
* people gossip
* people expect me to think for married people when I have no context
I want a witness to my life so... being single is hard when:
* I have to make a tough decision and seek the Lord on giving my finances sacrificially and I have to wrestle with the decision and celebrate the outcome alone.
* I am having a hard time and no one I trust, who knows me well, answers their phone.
* I do something really neat, or really stupid and there is no one watching.
These arent needs in my life, they are wants, but regardless they have already been met.
When I think about how many amazing babies, children, & teens that God allows me to know and the love He has given me for them I am overwhelmed. When they share their lives with me, I am humbled. When I think about the number of families of all different types and sizes that include me in their lives I am thankful. As a single I can give more time, talent, and self than I could in any other stage of life.
I have family through Christ Jesus.
I have been blessed with healthy friendships with couples where they know my heart and allow me to encourage them individually and as a unit. I have been put in positions where I can use my God-given skills to support the ministry efforts of godly men (and women) I respect and trust. These relationships allow me to serve in my sweet spot in a fulfilling and appropriate way.
I have purpose and the role of encourager through Christ Jesus.
I have several friends that know me VERY well that seek to be a part of my life and many others I am getting to know and be known by. But more importantly than that, I have a Savior who knew me before I was born, who chose me, who died for me, and who knows me and loves me more than any man will, ever and forever.
My witness is on high.
So... being single is only hard when I forget that Jesus Christ was, is, and will always be sufficient.
You want to encourage me? As a single? Join me in believing that He is enough.
-M
And so we know and rely on the love GOD has for us. 1 John 4:16a
My conversations with other singles have increased as of late. We all agree on certain things that well intentioned married people say that are quite frustrating.
For example:
* God has someone out there for you.
(that's not scriptural)
* Do you think you are being too picky?
(this is the rest of my life, so no, I don't)
* Maybe if you were a little more approachable... a little less... handled. Guys like to be needed.
(out of necessity I have been taking care of myself the last 10 years, I can't act any differently)
* Why don't you try online dating?
(I have better things to do with my time than shop online)
* Christian guys just won't take risks. You should ask them maybe. I would set you up if I knew anyone.
(Whining about Christian guys is a conversation better had with them)
* OH, I have a friend that's single- maybe you guys could go out.
.Um, I am going to need a little more in common than our marital status)
* [Family function- haven't seen me in years- first question] So, are you dating anyone?
(nope, and now I feel like a loser, and yes, I prefer boys)
Granted I put my own spin on this but these are pretty accurate translations to single (female) ears.
For the record, while well intended, none of these are helpful; I wasn't worried about this to begin with.
In all fairness though, I have never asked for what I need - this post is my attempt to do just that.
For ME, being single is hard at very specific times.
I want a family more than anything so... being single is hard when:
* My best friend tells me she is pregnant with number 3 and I feel so behind. We were supposed to be raising our kids like cousins.
* A close friend is having issues with her kids, or marriage, or breastfeeding and I am not the person she calls because I can't help.
* I am babysitting and the child doesn't want me to put them to bed, they want their mommy and it doesn't matter how much fun they had with me, it's not the same and I can't make them feel 100% safe.
I want to be an irreplaceable encouragement and support to a godly man... so being single is hard when:
* people gossip
* people expect me to think for married people when I have no context
I want a witness to my life so... being single is hard when:
* I have to make a tough decision and seek the Lord on giving my finances sacrificially and I have to wrestle with the decision and celebrate the outcome alone.
* I am having a hard time and no one I trust, who knows me well, answers their phone.
* I do something really neat, or really stupid and there is no one watching.
These arent needs in my life, they are wants, but regardless they have already been met.
When I think about how many amazing babies, children, & teens that God allows me to know and the love He has given me for them I am overwhelmed. When they share their lives with me, I am humbled. When I think about the number of families of all different types and sizes that include me in their lives I am thankful. As a single I can give more time, talent, and self than I could in any other stage of life.
I have family through Christ Jesus.
I have been blessed with healthy friendships with couples where they know my heart and allow me to encourage them individually and as a unit. I have been put in positions where I can use my God-given skills to support the ministry efforts of godly men (and women) I respect and trust. These relationships allow me to serve in my sweet spot in a fulfilling and appropriate way.
I have purpose and the role of encourager through Christ Jesus.
I have several friends that know me VERY well that seek to be a part of my life and many others I am getting to know and be known by. But more importantly than that, I have a Savior who knew me before I was born, who chose me, who died for me, and who knows me and loves me more than any man will, ever and forever.
My witness is on high.
So... being single is only hard when I forget that Jesus Christ was, is, and will always be sufficient.
You want to encourage me? As a single? Join me in believing that He is enough.
-M
And so we know and rely on the love GOD has for us. 1 John 4:16a
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Not THAT girl.
YOU'RE
Your weakness disgusts me
I can barely stand to watch you breathe as you hide in your sleep
I can barely stand to watch you chew as you hide in your overindulgence
I can barely stand to watch your lips move as you hide in new excuses, disappointing someone else...again.
You sit on your ass and I am revolted by your laziness
My self righteous indignation causes me to want to hurt you
The thought of causing you pain enters my mind like a fresh breeze, blowing a perverse smile across my face
I imagine "teaching you a lesson" and causing you pain plays in my head like a home movie
I roll my eyes as you whine
I suck my teeth as you swear to change
I clench my fists as your words fall on numb ears
I bite my lip as you defend yourself, pity yourself
I have no pity for you, no sympathy
I detest you
I loathe being around you
I hate your sad eyes, overused frown... your scars
You can't hide who you really are
You're empty
rejected,
damaged,
pathetic
Your weakness shows in every face you make
Your desperation is heard in every syllable you speak
Your urgency is transparent in every attempt you make to hide
No one else may see if for what it is, but I do
I KNOW you
I hate you
I hurt you
Because you're me.
- MA 5/2003
Ouch. That's harsh.
God has taught me SO much over the last 7 years... Right?
I am not THAT girl... Right?
I thought so, but then I sin in a way that I thought I was beyond and I am right back here, feeling JUST like this, in MOMENTS.
What is WRONG with me?? Just like that I am pathetic, weak, completely frustrated, unworthy, lost.
But... why I am so arrogant to be surprised that I would sin? How self absorbed to be so disgusted at me, God's creation, than my SIN.
Sin makes the picture of Christ's sacrifice the amazing and beautiful gift that it is. It is this sin that shows me how depraved I am, and how much I need a Savior.
Not excusing my sin, but it is a lie from Satan that I am anything less than God's child whom He loves enough to send His only Son to die on my behalf so that I can glorify His name by accepting His incredible gift of grace.
So, No, I am NOT that girl.
This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. 25 God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith. Romans 3:23-25a
Your weakness disgusts me
I can barely stand to watch you breathe as you hide in your sleep
I can barely stand to watch you chew as you hide in your overindulgence
I can barely stand to watch your lips move as you hide in new excuses, disappointing someone else...again.
You sit on your ass and I am revolted by your laziness
My self righteous indignation causes me to want to hurt you
The thought of causing you pain enters my mind like a fresh breeze, blowing a perverse smile across my face
I imagine "teaching you a lesson" and causing you pain plays in my head like a home movie
I roll my eyes as you whine
I suck my teeth as you swear to change
I clench my fists as your words fall on numb ears
I bite my lip as you defend yourself, pity yourself
I have no pity for you, no sympathy
I detest you
I loathe being around you
I hate your sad eyes, overused frown... your scars
You can't hide who you really are
You're empty
rejected,
damaged,
pathetic
Your weakness shows in every face you make
Your desperation is heard in every syllable you speak
Your urgency is transparent in every attempt you make to hide
No one else may see if for what it is, but I do
I KNOW you
I hate you
I hurt you
Because you're me.
- MA 5/2003
Ouch. That's harsh.
God has taught me SO much over the last 7 years... Right?
I am not THAT girl... Right?
I thought so, but then I sin in a way that I thought I was beyond and I am right back here, feeling JUST like this, in MOMENTS.
What is WRONG with me?? Just like that I am pathetic, weak, completely frustrated, unworthy, lost.
But... why I am so arrogant to be surprised that I would sin? How self absorbed to be so disgusted at me, God's creation, than my SIN.
Sin makes the picture of Christ's sacrifice the amazing and beautiful gift that it is. It is this sin that shows me how depraved I am, and how much I need a Savior.
Not excusing my sin, but it is a lie from Satan that I am anything less than God's child whom He loves enough to send His only Son to die on my behalf so that I can glorify His name by accepting His incredible gift of grace.
So, No, I am NOT that girl.
This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. 25 God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith. Romans 3:23-25a
Thursday, September 9, 2010
He loves me loud
(aka the good, the bad, and the redeemed)
I have always had a hard time with 1 Peter 3:4--
4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.
I can get behind the inner self being beautiful part, but it is the gentle, quiet spirit part that haunts me. No one, in the history of my 31 years, would ever use 'quiet' or 'gentle' to describe me. No one. In fact, I may be one of the loudest people I know.
Now, I realize this 'quiet' doesn't necessarily mean volume, and understanding that, I am still one of the loudest people I know.
This had been really bothering me a good bit and caused me to pray about my communication in general.
This year He has shown me the below-
GOOD:
I AM a decent listener despite worries in the past that I was not.
I am insightful/intuitive and seem to be able to read people pretty accurately.
I am a good #2 and love tasks involving administration, organization, and implementing structure.
I communicate clearly, concisely, gently and well in written word.
I have valid, creative ideas when I am invested.
I CAN lead.
I CAN choose to trust Him.
BAD:
I have an unhealthy need to be needed
I am lonely even when surrounded by people because I don't trust them enough to share anything of consequence
I constantly apologize for perceived miscommunication b/c I am paranoid of being misunderstood
I am incapable of keeping opinions to myself
I irrationally hate to be left out or miss things
I 'punish' people I am angry with by not talking to them...like a 4 year old
I take constructive criticism as a personal failure
I am not a strong leader
I don't deserve to lead youth b/c I am not consistent with my time in the Word
I hurt myself when I get overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy instead of dealing with the sin root
I don't know Christ, the person
So while I was praying that God would take all this away and make me quieter, help me stop being so opinionated, outgoing...my definition of loud, He showed me through His word and some of you-
HIS TRUTH & REDEMPTION:
*I am needed in the body of Christ- I am a separate unique body part that functions in a way with my gifts that no one else can. And while I am not needed, I am wanted.
*I am surrounded by people that love Christ, love me, and hear/see my heart and are worthy of my trust...if I will be brave enough to trust Him with the relationship
*My apologizing is self-absorption- it is a pride issue- and if I seek Him in all words and deeds I will have nothing to apologize for and no reason to feel misunderstood.
*My opinions are appreciated when given in right motivation, and it is a lie from Satan that they are not valid or wanted.
*It's not important that I be included in everything- I can trust Him to order my steps and be where I need to be when it matters that I be there.
*Using communication or lack of as punishment is sin; if I value relationships I will confess my sin and ask forgiveness from those I have sinned against with my attitude.
*My spiritual gift type is Servant and (per assessment) we often take things personally and blame ourselves for relational breakdowns, but there is both grace and growth to be found in any breakdown.
*God is calling me to be a leader right now and any success I achieve is by HIS power and for HIS glory alone.
*I have a supernatural love and energy for middle school girls and He will use me, despite me, b/c it's not about me (and I should be in His Word)
*I have freedom from any addiction or sin when I approach Him with a repentant heart believing His promises and trust Him with my authentic wants, needs, and grateful praise.
*Any good in me is Christ, I am depraved and incapable of reflecting any of His character without the power of His Holy Spirit working in me, and Christ the person desires a relationship with me.
Because He first loved me I am of great worth in His sight. By grace alone He sees my gentle and quiet spirit and He loves me LOUD! :)
I have always had a hard time with 1 Peter 3:4--
4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.
I can get behind the inner self being beautiful part, but it is the gentle, quiet spirit part that haunts me. No one, in the history of my 31 years, would ever use 'quiet' or 'gentle' to describe me. No one. In fact, I may be one of the loudest people I know.
Now, I realize this 'quiet' doesn't necessarily mean volume, and understanding that, I am still one of the loudest people I know.
This had been really bothering me a good bit and caused me to pray about my communication in general.
This year He has shown me the below-
GOOD:
I AM a decent listener despite worries in the past that I was not.
I am insightful/intuitive and seem to be able to read people pretty accurately.
I am a good #2 and love tasks involving administration, organization, and implementing structure.
I communicate clearly, concisely, gently and well in written word.
I have valid, creative ideas when I am invested.
I CAN lead.
I CAN choose to trust Him.
BAD:
I have an unhealthy need to be needed
I am lonely even when surrounded by people because I don't trust them enough to share anything of consequence
I constantly apologize for perceived miscommunication b/c I am paranoid of being misunderstood
I am incapable of keeping opinions to myself
I irrationally hate to be left out or miss things
I 'punish' people I am angry with by not talking to them...like a 4 year old
I take constructive criticism as a personal failure
I am not a strong leader
I don't deserve to lead youth b/c I am not consistent with my time in the Word
I hurt myself when I get overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy instead of dealing with the sin root
I don't know Christ, the person
So while I was praying that God would take all this away and make me quieter, help me stop being so opinionated, outgoing...my definition of loud, He showed me through His word and some of you-
HIS TRUTH & REDEMPTION:
*I am needed in the body of Christ- I am a separate unique body part that functions in a way with my gifts that no one else can. And while I am not needed, I am wanted.
*I am surrounded by people that love Christ, love me, and hear/see my heart and are worthy of my trust...if I will be brave enough to trust Him with the relationship
*My apologizing is self-absorption- it is a pride issue- and if I seek Him in all words and deeds I will have nothing to apologize for and no reason to feel misunderstood.
*My opinions are appreciated when given in right motivation, and it is a lie from Satan that they are not valid or wanted.
*It's not important that I be included in everything- I can trust Him to order my steps and be where I need to be when it matters that I be there.
*Using communication or lack of as punishment is sin; if I value relationships I will confess my sin and ask forgiveness from those I have sinned against with my attitude.
*My spiritual gift type is Servant and (per assessment) we often take things personally and blame ourselves for relational breakdowns, but there is both grace and growth to be found in any breakdown.
*God is calling me to be a leader right now and any success I achieve is by HIS power and for HIS glory alone.
*I have a supernatural love and energy for middle school girls and He will use me, despite me, b/c it's not about me (and I should be in His Word)
*I have freedom from any addiction or sin when I approach Him with a repentant heart believing His promises and trust Him with my authentic wants, needs, and grateful praise.
*Any good in me is Christ, I am depraved and incapable of reflecting any of His character without the power of His Holy Spirit working in me, and Christ the person desires a relationship with me.
Because He first loved me I am of great worth in His sight. By grace alone He sees my gentle and quiet spirit and He loves me LOUD! :)
Friday, July 2, 2010
Back when I hated kids...
It was the summer of 2000 and I hated kids. I remember always hating kids up to that point. Maybe hate is a strong word- I never chose to be around kids, never planned to have any of my own, would barely tolerate kids of friends, babysat only for the money and only if I didn't have ANYTHING else to do, and had no nephews/nieces to show me the error of my disdain.
It is hard to believe that was ever true given my (healthy) obsession with kids of all ages now.
While this change in perspective was developed over one short summer of divinely orchestrated experiences with some of the most amazing kids I've ever met (a story i will spare you), my desire to be a parent has been building up ever since then to the point that sometimes it feels...suffocating.
My time at Friends Of Youth:
When I lived in Seattle I worked a second job as a part time weekend relief foster parent at a group home for 11-17 year olds. Although it was a tiring job (24 hour shifts and you could have up to 6 kids) I loved it...and on top of that I was good at it. Most of these kids had been in and out of abusive homes, and been in (on average) 5-7 placements/homes since being put in foster care.
At first I enjoyed the weekend shift, but quickly I learned that our home was just a 30-60 day holding tank for these kids. Just when they were starting to trust you they would leave and you would know their future depended solely on the quality of their next placement. It became increasingly frustrating not to have the time to make a difference for them.
For instance:
RACHEL was a 13 year old whose parents were an drug addicts. The poor kid had been off and on homeless since she was 7 years old, taking care of her younger brother almost entirely by herself. When she and her brother were found on the street both were placed into foster care but in separate locations due to gender- she lost her identity (parent) and the one stable thing she had. One night she told me about the time she went to rehab to visit her mom and listened to her mom lie to her about being sober for the last time. At 13, Rachel begged her mom to voluntarily terminate her parental rights so she and her brother could have a shot at being adopted. Her maturity and self-awareness floored me. I cannot imagine how painful it would be to finally give up on your parent and beg them to let you go.
A few weeks later she told me about a family she had met that wanted her to adopt her. There were other kids in the home that were either adopted or in foster care and she said they seemed to all really love each other and be a family. She told me she was terrified that she would screw up b/c she didn't know how to be in a family, she had never had one. The night before she moved I ended up sleeping on the floor of her room b/c she was so nervous and didn't want to be alone. It's unusual to find out what happened to the kids after they left but in her case I heard that she ended up not being adopted and was actually put into another group home in less than a month. She self-sabotaged the opportunity b/c it's better to reject than be rejected when that's all you've known. I think of her often.
DAVID was 11 years old and adorable. I didn't usually work at the boys home b/c they preferred male workers when possible however, one weekend I decided to take the boys to the Kirkland pool. Kirkland is a...wealthy area and I quickly learned that people at the pool weren't too keen on sharing the pool with kids like ours.
David wasn't allowed to use the diving board until he had passed a basic swimming test. He tried and didn't pass so he cussed at the lifeguard who then threw him out of the pool. He got out and stormed off to the outside gate. After I explained to the snotty 16-year old lifeguard that he should cut these kids some slack and he WOULD be letting David take the test again I went out to talk to him.
He was doing his best not to cry and he was SO angry. All of a sudden he started punching the sidewalk with his fist-I had to physically restrain his arm to get him to stop. I asked him why he was doing that (though that I know a little about) and I listened to this sweet 11 year old tell me about how no one wanted him, he was separated from his (older) sisters and couldn't protect them, no one can tell him what will happen to him and that he just knew it was somehow his fault, if he had just done x,y,z. My heart broke. I said what I could but...you can't fix that kind of damage in a conversation. I did manage to talk him into apologizing to the lifeguard and re-taking his swimming test. He ended up (barely) passing and he was SO proud of himself. I knew right then his future would be entirely dependent on his next placement. If I could have taken him home with me, he would be with me still.
------
I have notes on a lot of kids over the almost 2 years I worked there but these two are why I decided that weekend relief just wasn't enough and that I would get licensed as a foster parent.
So finally- 6 years later, after 90 hours (they require 30) of foster care training, 3 rounds of CPR and First Aid training, two house visits, mandatory counseling, a fire inspection, background check, autobiography, painting and setting up the second bedroom, and prayer- my application is finally in the mail and I SHOULD (God willing) receive my Foster Care License in early-mid August.
There are those that disagree with this decision. My parents, though they helped me set up the room, are not supportive b/c they think it will decrease my market value (more so than my tattoos already have :)). To this I say, I feel like God has given me this desire and while I would prefer not to do this alone, I was never promised a husband. I don't want to put off a calling waiting on a person that may never appear. AND if marriage is in His plan for me I have full confidence in His ability to provide when I am in His will.
Others are not supportive b/c they don't feel like its the biblical view of family. I agree that a mom and dad is ideal, but if the choice is that a child stays in an abusive or group home OR comes and lives with me b/c the love Christ has given me for them then...I don't see how that would displease Him.
There are probably some of you that think I don't know what I am getting into, or may not have the knack for it, and you might be right. I pray that if this is NOT God's plan for me that my application will get rejected, or if approved I won't get a call I feel a peace about. It would be extremely disappointing to think I was wrong about God's will for me...again, but I would rather suffer disappointment than be where He isn't. (Exodus 33:15)
I am a little nervous b/c like every parent I will be giving up game nights, trivis nights, and sleeping in on Saturdays, and maybe (depending on the age of the child) have to give up some responsibilities at church that I love.
I am also nervous b/c I can only leave a child in my care with someone pre-approved by the state, at a licensed house so unlike others, my childcare options are limited. I am nervous that I will not be good at this and I do NOT want to add any pain to a child's current situation.
But for now, I am trusting God in the process.
If you think to pray for me, please do. Pray for God's will in my application approval process, that if approved I would have discernment to say yes to the placements that He would want for me, and that I would be diligent in praying unceasingly about and for this. Thank you!
It is hard to believe that was ever true given my (healthy) obsession with kids of all ages now.
While this change in perspective was developed over one short summer of divinely orchestrated experiences with some of the most amazing kids I've ever met (a story i will spare you), my desire to be a parent has been building up ever since then to the point that sometimes it feels...suffocating.
My time at Friends Of Youth:
When I lived in Seattle I worked a second job as a part time weekend relief foster parent at a group home for 11-17 year olds. Although it was a tiring job (24 hour shifts and you could have up to 6 kids) I loved it...and on top of that I was good at it. Most of these kids had been in and out of abusive homes, and been in (on average) 5-7 placements/homes since being put in foster care.
At first I enjoyed the weekend shift, but quickly I learned that our home was just a 30-60 day holding tank for these kids. Just when they were starting to trust you they would leave and you would know their future depended solely on the quality of their next placement. It became increasingly frustrating not to have the time to make a difference for them.
For instance:
RACHEL was a 13 year old whose parents were an drug addicts. The poor kid had been off and on homeless since she was 7 years old, taking care of her younger brother almost entirely by herself. When she and her brother were found on the street both were placed into foster care but in separate locations due to gender- she lost her identity (parent) and the one stable thing she had. One night she told me about the time she went to rehab to visit her mom and listened to her mom lie to her about being sober for the last time. At 13, Rachel begged her mom to voluntarily terminate her parental rights so she and her brother could have a shot at being adopted. Her maturity and self-awareness floored me. I cannot imagine how painful it would be to finally give up on your parent and beg them to let you go.
A few weeks later she told me about a family she had met that wanted her to adopt her. There were other kids in the home that were either adopted or in foster care and she said they seemed to all really love each other and be a family. She told me she was terrified that she would screw up b/c she didn't know how to be in a family, she had never had one. The night before she moved I ended up sleeping on the floor of her room b/c she was so nervous and didn't want to be alone. It's unusual to find out what happened to the kids after they left but in her case I heard that she ended up not being adopted and was actually put into another group home in less than a month. She self-sabotaged the opportunity b/c it's better to reject than be rejected when that's all you've known. I think of her often.
DAVID was 11 years old and adorable. I didn't usually work at the boys home b/c they preferred male workers when possible however, one weekend I decided to take the boys to the Kirkland pool. Kirkland is a...wealthy area and I quickly learned that people at the pool weren't too keen on sharing the pool with kids like ours.
David wasn't allowed to use the diving board until he had passed a basic swimming test. He tried and didn't pass so he cussed at the lifeguard who then threw him out of the pool. He got out and stormed off to the outside gate. After I explained to the snotty 16-year old lifeguard that he should cut these kids some slack and he WOULD be letting David take the test again I went out to talk to him.
He was doing his best not to cry and he was SO angry. All of a sudden he started punching the sidewalk with his fist-I had to physically restrain his arm to get him to stop. I asked him why he was doing that (though that I know a little about) and I listened to this sweet 11 year old tell me about how no one wanted him, he was separated from his (older) sisters and couldn't protect them, no one can tell him what will happen to him and that he just knew it was somehow his fault, if he had just done x,y,z. My heart broke. I said what I could but...you can't fix that kind of damage in a conversation. I did manage to talk him into apologizing to the lifeguard and re-taking his swimming test. He ended up (barely) passing and he was SO proud of himself. I knew right then his future would be entirely dependent on his next placement. If I could have taken him home with me, he would be with me still.
------
I have notes on a lot of kids over the almost 2 years I worked there but these two are why I decided that weekend relief just wasn't enough and that I would get licensed as a foster parent.
So finally- 6 years later, after 90 hours (they require 30) of foster care training, 3 rounds of CPR and First Aid training, two house visits, mandatory counseling, a fire inspection, background check, autobiography, painting and setting up the second bedroom, and prayer- my application is finally in the mail and I SHOULD (God willing) receive my Foster Care License in early-mid August.
There are those that disagree with this decision. My parents, though they helped me set up the room, are not supportive b/c they think it will decrease my market value (more so than my tattoos already have :)). To this I say, I feel like God has given me this desire and while I would prefer not to do this alone, I was never promised a husband. I don't want to put off a calling waiting on a person that may never appear. AND if marriage is in His plan for me I have full confidence in His ability to provide when I am in His will.
Others are not supportive b/c they don't feel like its the biblical view of family. I agree that a mom and dad is ideal, but if the choice is that a child stays in an abusive or group home OR comes and lives with me b/c the love Christ has given me for them then...I don't see how that would displease Him.
There are probably some of you that think I don't know what I am getting into, or may not have the knack for it, and you might be right. I pray that if this is NOT God's plan for me that my application will get rejected, or if approved I won't get a call I feel a peace about. It would be extremely disappointing to think I was wrong about God's will for me...again, but I would rather suffer disappointment than be where He isn't. (Exodus 33:15)
I am a little nervous b/c like every parent I will be giving up game nights, trivis nights, and sleeping in on Saturdays, and maybe (depending on the age of the child) have to give up some responsibilities at church that I love.
I am also nervous b/c I can only leave a child in my care with someone pre-approved by the state, at a licensed house so unlike others, my childcare options are limited. I am nervous that I will not be good at this and I do NOT want to add any pain to a child's current situation.
But for now, I am trusting God in the process.
If you think to pray for me, please do. Pray for God's will in my application approval process, that if approved I would have discernment to say yes to the placements that He would want for me, and that I would be diligent in praying unceasingly about and for this. Thank you!
Friday, June 11, 2010
My Stopping Point
This post is definitely going to push my boundaries of vulnerability- it's already uncomfortable...but it's just too big not to share.
DEDICATION (is that cheesy? eh, whatever): this post is dedicated to those of you who KNOW me, the depths of what I struggle with, and have had the patience to listen to what I do not say, pray consistently, cry for me, and love me well. Thank you!
On April 18th, the pastor finished his sermon (RESPOND, Luke 5:1-11) by asking: What is your stopping point for obedience?
I left frustrated by this question and remained so for the next month. I knew I had a stopping point but couldn't for the life of me figure out what it was...what was holding me back.
Then God graciously made it very clear to me-
- by my ignoring the pull to share w/ the checkout girl, whose scars I recognized
- by my resistance to sharing my testimony in front of the youth
- by my refusing to seek accountability from my community group
- by refusing to trust Him and accept the healing He offers
- by holding onto my control, this...one...thing
- by taking pride and even joy assuming this sin as part of my identity
How can I claim obedience when-
- I am terrified to share about the power of Christ when I doubt/refuse His healing
- I don't trust my community with my full past, or God to change my future
- I cling to an identity that is not of Him
The answer is I can't...I was stopped.
This past week over vacation with a good bit of fear and shame I spent time in confession before the Lord:
- disgustedly admitting the full truth and root of this sin
- grieving over an addiction that has pursued me since high school
- rejecting this sin as an option for my future, or as any part of who I am
- accepting His promise "that when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears"
So feeling free and in His will I opened my Bible and read the following:
1 Blessed is he
whose transgressions are forgiven,
whose sins are covered.
2 Blessed is the man
whose sin the LORD does not count against him
and in whose spirit is no deceit.
3 When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
4 For day and night
your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.
5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, "I will confess
my transgressions to the LORD "—
and you forgave
the guilt of my sin.
6 Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you
while you may be found;
surely when the mighty waters rise,
they will not reach him.
7 You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you.
9 Do not be like the horse or the mule,
which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you.
10 Many are the woes of the wicked,
but the LORD's unfailing love
surrounds the man who trusts in him.
11 Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous;
sing, all you who are upright in heart! PSALM 32
A- freakin Men. :)
DEDICATION (is that cheesy? eh, whatever): this post is dedicated to those of you who KNOW me, the depths of what I struggle with, and have had the patience to listen to what I do not say, pray consistently, cry for me, and love me well. Thank you!
On April 18th, the pastor finished his sermon (RESPOND, Luke 5:1-11) by asking: What is your stopping point for obedience?
I left frustrated by this question and remained so for the next month. I knew I had a stopping point but couldn't for the life of me figure out what it was...what was holding me back.
Then God graciously made it very clear to me-
- by my ignoring the pull to share w/ the checkout girl, whose scars I recognized
- by my resistance to sharing my testimony in front of the youth
- by my refusing to seek accountability from my community group
- by refusing to trust Him and accept the healing He offers
- by holding onto my control, this...one...thing
- by taking pride and even joy assuming this sin as part of my identity
How can I claim obedience when-
- I am terrified to share about the power of Christ when I doubt/refuse His healing
- I don't trust my community with my full past, or God to change my future
- I cling to an identity that is not of Him
The answer is I can't...I was stopped.
This past week over vacation with a good bit of fear and shame I spent time in confession before the Lord:
- disgustedly admitting the full truth and root of this sin
- grieving over an addiction that has pursued me since high school
- rejecting this sin as an option for my future, or as any part of who I am
- accepting His promise "that when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears"
So feeling free and in His will I opened my Bible and read the following:
1 Blessed is he
whose transgressions are forgiven,
whose sins are covered.
2 Blessed is the man
whose sin the LORD does not count against him
and in whose spirit is no deceit.
3 When I kept silent,
my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
4 For day and night
your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was sapped
as in the heat of summer.
5 Then I acknowledged my sin to you
and did not cover up my iniquity.
I said, "I will confess
my transgressions to the LORD "—
and you forgave
the guilt of my sin.
6 Therefore let everyone who is godly pray to you
while you may be found;
surely when the mighty waters rise,
they will not reach him.
7 You are my hiding place;
you will protect me from trouble
and surround me with songs of deliverance.
8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you and watch over you.
9 Do not be like the horse or the mule,
which have no understanding
but must be controlled by bit and bridle
or they will not come to you.
10 Many are the woes of the wicked,
but the LORD's unfailing love
surrounds the man who trusts in him.
11 Rejoice in the LORD and be glad, you righteous;
sing, all you who are upright in heart! PSALM 32
A- freakin Men. :)
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
May-topia in Review (aka My Epic Fail)
So, several of you have asked me how May-topia was going/went. Welp, to sum up, I haven't failed this bad at a goal I set in...wow, I don't know how long.
I started out May-topia by making one of my best friends cry on Day 1...yep Day 1. Now I realize that 'not making friend's cry' was not a stated goal I think it goes without saying that being a jerk would not fit into 'being the best version of myself.' Perhaps I should have given up right then.
People that love me have said that I was too ambitious and shouldn't be so hard on myself BUT really...these goals were very do-able. They are things I SHOULD be doing...these were not 'mount everest' goals.
May was the most crammed and busiest month of 2010, maybe even the last 3 years so in retrospect it might have been a bad month to pick but again...these were reasonable goals to have.
I am exhausted.
I don't know exactly what God is/was teaching me through this lovely failure as I am still processing things but I can confidently say- June-topia doesn't have the same ring...
I started out May-topia by making one of my best friends cry on Day 1...yep Day 1. Now I realize that 'not making friend's cry' was not a stated goal I think it goes without saying that being a jerk would not fit into 'being the best version of myself.' Perhaps I should have given up right then.
People that love me have said that I was too ambitious and shouldn't be so hard on myself BUT really...these goals were very do-able. They are things I SHOULD be doing...these were not 'mount everest' goals.
May was the most crammed and busiest month of 2010, maybe even the last 3 years so in retrospect it might have been a bad month to pick but again...these were reasonable goals to have.
I am exhausted.
I don't know exactly what God is/was teaching me through this lovely failure as I am still processing things but I can confidently say- June-topia doesn't have the same ring...
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