Dating is hard.
As a former "single for life" person, I know that sounds obnoxious to my single friends but... it's true. It's really, really hard. At least it is for me.

It started out fun... quickly it became work... and now it's hard work.  

Dating is awkward and I will tell you why.
With marriage the commitment is made and so the work is necessary. I must be selfless.
With dating the commitment is being decided and the work is optional. I can be selfish.

The impact of this distinction is significant.
In marriage I would 100% commit and seek to love my spouse more than myself and scripturally their response/treatment to me should not change my commitment to love them selflessly.
With dating I am still deciding if this person is worth committing to for the rest of my life and their treatment of me does impact how I view my future. I am allowed to have expectations b/c this is setting the tone for my future.

Personally, I struggle with not being 100% committed in dating b/c I'm not wired to give less than 100% when I love. At the same time, I therefore have expectations that are not being met by a person who is unwilling to commit at that level.

Do I commit until otherwise led (or he makes the decision for me) or do I quit while I still can?

I thought that when I would date 'the one' I would feel - loved, secure, respected, adored, appreciated, wanted, needed, whole.

Sometimes I feel these things.
Sometimes I feel - tolerated, insecure, pathetic, insufficient, unconsidered, forgotten, ignored, lonely.

When I feel those things, I also feel like I hate him.  
Quitting seems like relief. Painful yes, but ultimately the easier thing.  

I had none of these issues as a single... seriously.
I feel lonelier now than I think I have ever felt in my life.

Most advice I'm given is along the lines of:  
* You deserve better/more
* Don't settle
* If he loved you then...
* Shouldn't be this hard
* He should make you feel...
* If you can't trust him...

But that's not marriage... that's conditional commitment... but  then again I'm not married...

Truth is:
I deserve death but Christ paid for my sin
My wholeness is found in Christ
My future is up to a sovereign God

These other feelings are of Satan.

In dating,
I haven't been this dependent on God in a long time.
I haven't cried out to Him this much in a long time, or maybe ever.
I haven't had to struggle with this much hidden sin in a long time.

I am annoyed by how much this situation consumes me.
I am embarrassed by how much sin it brings up in me (pride, lust, fear, anger, etc)

But, I experienced freedom in Christ as a single.
I feel like until I can experience Christ in a pair, then I am missing the next level of my walk.

Waiting for the Lord to show me the next step with a willingness to be open handed.
Asking for the godliness to enjoy the process of sanctification.
Waiting to be confided in, released, relieved, forgiven.

The Lord confides in those who fear him;
    he makes his covenant known to them.
¹⁵ My eyes are ever on the Lord,
    for only he will release my feet from the snare.

¹⁶ Turn to me and be gracious to me,
    for I am lonely and afflicted.
¹⁷ Relieve the troubles of my heart
    and free me from my anguish.
¹⁸ Look on my affliction and my distress
    and take away all my sins.

Worthless Worthiness

This post reads a little... disconnected but... it connects in my head.

It is amazing to me how hard a worker I can be and simultaneously be the laziest person I know.

I have always taken a lot of pride in my work - ability, ethic, quality, etc... and therefore have always gotten a great sense of worthiness from my occupation.

When I first started at my last job, I remember telling them that one of my biggest flaws was denfensiveness - taking things personally and reacting rather than listening. It's a big flaw. Thankfully, after 8 years they had beat it out of me. I learned how to 'self-acknowledge,' to proactively admit mistakes without fear, to be bold when it was called for, to have an opinion, but to present opinions respectfully, to take responsibility, and just get things done.

For 7-ish years I was very proud of my work, especially being able to be disciplined to work from home and thrive without an office and interactions... until I wasn't.

If you asked me what I did I was proud to say "National Relationship Manager." I worked hard for that title... I earned it... and I was good at it... until I wasn't.

I don't know what broke exactly. A combination of things - some their fault, some mine but ultimately... mine.

(Being forced into) Leaving my job was a good humbling break for me. Had to stop and ponder just how much worth I got from the 'doing of' work.' More than any extracurricular activities I do or volunteer with, I LOVE working most... because of how it makes me feel.

I was talking to a friend the other day and complaining about being in an office again because of some dumb rumor going around about me by people who haven't said two words to me the whole 4 months I have been there. She said "I think you dwell too much on work. We talk about it a lot."

I snapped at her.

"Well, I spend 40-50 hours there, it's most of my life! We talk about your kids all the time b/c that's what takes YOUR time. And besides, I don't have a husband so I don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff!! You and Josh have each other to talk to about. Doesn't he talk about work?? I won't feel bad about this. If you don't want to hear about work, FINE."

Whoa. That reads like the 4-year old I must have sounded like to her.

Thinking about it this week, I got pretty frustrated at a co-worker and cut her off, I gossipped at one point and then tried to make myself feel better by confessing to others on my team, I was grumpy with my boss. I haven't eaten lunch all week and have no energy for any of the other commitments in the week so I blew off community group (and I host it), I barely prepared for the middle school Bible study i lead on Friday's and was in a foul mood before those precious girls showed up. My Christmas Tree is still up, I didn't go to Kairos training today, I didn't help a friend who needed it today, I haven't seen one of my closest friends here in two weeks, not to mention my sister/nephew. I feel like a loser.

Friends that love me are quick to correct me "you are not a loser!" But the only place I don't feel like a loser is at work. I am giving ALL my attention to work.

It is true that God has placed me at THIS company, at THIS time, with the great people I work with for a reason but if I keep placing my worthiness in the earthly, I will miss the point of this amazing position.

I know that it is God who enables me to be successful- that is never in question, but I so want to be worthy and the place I seek to feel worthy has always been my job.

What I have been missing is the connection between these two things. Doing a good job is not bad - its a biblical command but finding worth in DOING is never of worth. If I let work take over and lose sight of the point of ALL this- to glorify God with my life - then I am finding worth in worthless things.  

So, I hope the next burning work story I have to tell is about an opportunity given and taken to be Christ to those I live office life with, or excitment about a middle schooler or an inmate that was changed by the gospel. That I would value what is ultimately and eternally worthy.

So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. Give no offense to Jews or to Greeks or to the church of God, just as I try to please everyone in everything I do, not seeking my own advantage, but that of many, that they may be saved. 1 Corinthians 10:31-33

UNEMPLOYED -- Week 5

Last week did not start out well. At. All.

But, let's not dwell there because I have good news!

The phone interview I had week before last led to an in-person interview this past Thursday followed by an offer on Friday and my acceptance today! I start TOMORROW. I was nervous to post this until the day was here so...

The response from a few of those I have told seems to be reluctant optimism. Wondering if this is just an in-between job or if I am actually excited about it. Ie- are you taking the first thing you were offered or...

So let me be clear, I am EXCITED.

If I am honest, I am more excited about the company than I am the job itself, however, I think I will like the job and the team I will be working with. I was hired by MANA. They are an agrochemical company and I will be doing (in essence) customer service. The company seems to really foster growth and development and as I am looking for somewhere that has career potential, I think it's a fit. I was really impressed with everyone I talked to there so while I am REALLY nervous for the newness of it all, I am ready to get back to work!

There is a twinge of... well that didn't take long... what about the plans I had for this time but... you can't relax and enjoy unemployed time. At least I am not wired that way. You feel guilty if you do ANYTHING that isn't job hunt related. You feel pressured to do things that just aren't you (like network). People ask you to do things during the day and you feel guilty saying 'no' because technically you could but if you say 'yes' you feel guilty because you SHOULD be job hunting. And you can't do anything fun because you are budgeting more than you have ever budgeted in your life. It's just all around not the "time off" people who aren't unemployed think it would be. Planning for this time is a joke.

Over the weekend I had Kairos training (in prison ministry) and the stories the ladies on the team shared, the things they have been brought through, the videos we watched of changed lives of inmates was amazing. This offer, that training, all of it reminded me how KNOWN I am and how loved by the Creator. That each of us has a tailored path based on who He's made us.

From the time I found out I was laid off I wasn't worried about the conclusion, I was worried about the DURING. I felt uneasy filing for unemployment because I strongly felt like it wasn't going to be long for me but then wisdom of others was to do it, just in case, and since I don't trust my own hearing of God I thought I was being stupidly optimistic but... I don't think I was.

I know great, God-fearing people who were, or have been unemployed for much longer than I was and I know God is in each of those stories but for ME... for who I am, how I am wired, this process going this way equates to Him knowing me and my feeling overwhelmingly cared for.
Cared for by Him. Cared for by my community. Known. Wow.

So, if you have helped me in any way in this process by prayer, job leads/hints/resources, encouraging words, read this blog, etc... please know I greatly appreciate you!

Thank you!
M

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
(yay for no more weekly blogging ;))

UNEMPLOYMENT -- Week 4

So, I don't want to revert to whining again but... this week definitely had some lows along with the highs.

Let's start with the bad news first so we end on a happy note:
1) I met with a recruiter. Two actually. Both were equally depressing for different reasons including but not limited to: one of them just wanted to know more about fundraising for nonprofits (as he doesn't place jobs for anything I am even remotely qualfied for), I said WAY more than I meant to when answering the question 'would you want to work for a nonprofit' in the negative, and also because both of them after asking what I had been making at Benevon then immediately asked "what could you live with - what is your minimum?" before telling me (in essence) that they can't help me.
It was... less than encouraging.
On the positive side, I did get some helpful pointers which is always valuable.
And am grateful for the connection.

2) Unemployment - I didn't want to file to begin with but now to make matters ickier, there was a hold on my claim so I had to go down to the Cary office (since the Raleigh office never answered the phone). It was similar to a doctor's office in the sense that I have no idea why they set an appointment time because they seem to have no intention of seeing you any time near your appointment.

Though when I finally did see a live person she was very nice, gave me a bunch of papers and told me to call a number to find out what fax number to send my paycheck stub (once I figure out how to get a copy of it since I was direct deposit and don't have paycheck stubs). I called the number when I left the office (in Cary which is significant for this next part). While on hold I drove all the way to Walmart on Glenwood, returned some things, picked up some things, drove home, put away things, used the restroom, and then was disconnected. Total time on hold -- at least an hour. I didn't try again.
Confusing.

3) My roomie for the last month moved to Chicago on Sunday. Sadness.

Now for the happy news:

1) I am blessed to know fantastic people who were very quick to respond to my email about looking for a job with lots of helpful links, tips, and kind words! Thank you to all who responded!!

2) I had a phone interview that went well and now have a second in-person interview this week.

3) The babysitting site I created a profile for last week got me a hit this week. Unfortunately I can't do it because it the same time as my interview BUT it was a promising sign that it might yield some side jobs.

Incidentally, the refrain that I feel God gave me when I was about to tears with the recruiter, totally con fused with the state, and nervous before my interview was "I am your God, you are not at the whim of these people." It was a reminder that God's purpose for me will be fulfilled if I am seeking Him. Period.
Hopeful.

Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed for I am your God.
I will strengthen you.
Yes, I will help you.
I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

I have remained productive which is definitely an overarching goal but I finally got a little more serious about actually applying for jobs which I think may be the key to finding a new one. ;)

Goals accomplished - Week 4:
* Sent email to contacts for job lead help
* Met with a recruiter
* Registered online with 2 temp agencies
* Had phone interview
Jobs applied to this week: 3
Total jobs applied to: 4

UNEMPLOYED -- Week 3

It is cheating to post today about Week 3 since I we are already into Week 4 but... here is what I will share about last week.

1) Procrastination is my worst enemy right now.
2) When people ask me how I am, how it's going, etc... my party line is " Welp, I'm being productive"
3) Translation of "Welp, I'm being productive" is I am keeping busy doing anything that remotely seems productive to job searching short of actually applying.
4) Most of the goal accomplishments for this week would involve things that I want to share here b/c I really feel like they should count for something -- caught up on all past email, bills, paid insurance, downloaded MS Office, spent hours on a plan to reorganize a friend's closet, attended Kairos training, babysat 3x, created budget sheet, created Job Search Log, created weekly calendar, bought planner.
5) Recognizing that if I do not schedule my time I will not use it wisely and make excuses for not job hunting so... that's why I created aformentioned weekly calendar tool to carve out specific times for specific things. Going well so far...

6) Dreaded... So, I filed for unemployment. I really don't have a good feeling about it. I don't think there is anything wrong with filing and all but one person I have talked to about it thinks it is the "responsible" thing to do but... I didn't want to... but I did on Friday.

I hadn't heard back, and my past employment hadn't heard either so I called today (which is an extremely frustrating process btw) and apparently my claim is HELD and I can't find out why unless I schedule a meeting with them... but that would require someone at the office to pick up the phone so... outlook cloudy.

Thanks for reading & praying for me!!
M

Goals Accomplished -- Week 3:
* Met with Financial Manager to discuss budget
* Filed for Unemployment
* Registered with Care.com (babysitting site) and applied for some babysitting gigs
Jobs applied for this week: 0
Jobs applied for total: 1

UNEMPLOYED -- Week 2

My dad's loving feedback from my last blog post was, "quit whining." I didn't mean to... I thought I was just being authentic, but... he is right.

I know my situation isn't unusual or even particularly interesting but this series of posts is not to be about me or to vent but to showcase the power of God in my life, in this circumstance, in this time.

I had several thoughts strike me this week as I was visiting my parents in the mountains:

First, I am extremely blessed in this circumstance.
I am a single person so I do not have to think about taking care of my family or providing for more than just little ole me - that's a blessing.
I have a GREAT support system including family, friends and even ex-coworkers that think I am more capable and talented than I think I am for sure and that is very encouraging.
I have savings which is helpful.
I have only small monthly bills beyond my mortgage (ie no car payment, school loan, etc...), blessing.
I serve a very BIG God who has promised to use me for His glory.

Second, procrastination is never a flattering trait but I have gotten by with it in the past. I am now seeing it rear it's ugly head in this process and it is not serving me. Not sure how to structure and discipline this character flaw while unemployed but it's gonna have to happen. More on this later I am sure.


Third, my parents are wonderful. I am so grateful to God that I have Christ loving, God serving parents that can encourage me with Truth. I am so thankful that I feel utterly and completely loved by them. I was raised to never doubt God's provision and this week we remembered ways God had provided. Like, when I was being born their insurance with the new church wasn't going to kick in until August 1st. They weren't sure what to do but they prayed and left it up to God. Mom went into labor July 30th. I was born the next day... July 31st. The nurse came to tell my parents that they were having issues with the computers and would they mind if, for insurance purposes, they dated this as August 1st, though my birth certificate would say my actual birthday or July 31st. Needs were met like this all the time growing up and if my parents worried I don't remember seeing it. I am grateful for their demonstrated faithfulness.

All this being said, I am determined to (try) to enjoy this process. If I trust God to provide, if I know He wants to use me, and if I am actively seeking both His will and doing my part then there is no reason to worry and every reason to enjoy the process with true joy so... here I go - week 3.

Goals Accomplished -- Week 2:
* Informal interview #2 (on site)
* Had resume and reference sheet edited by professional editor friend
* Posted to Facebook
* Updated LinkedIn page
* Typed email (and had edited) for friends & family (not sent yet)
Jobs applied for (0)
Total jobs applied for to date: (1)

UNEMPLOYED - Week 1

The thought is, I will blog at least once a week until I secure a job. I will do this for posterity, to highlight anything God may do in this time, and lastly to keep me accountable (see Goals section at bottom).

At the end of June/early July I learned that I was being laid off. Even though I agree that it was time for me to leave the job, I have been there 8 years. Eight years. On top of that, I've never NOT had a job (double negative and all) and there is a degree of shame when you are ceremoniously laid off, "kicked out of the nest," let go... fired.

There was a when time I loved my job... but even when I didn't love my job, I have always loved work. From waiting tables, to cashiering at Texaco, or working in the dining hall in college, to parenting troubled teens on the weekends, to adult jobs like scheduling production lines, to helping nonprofits choose sustainable funding, I love to work. I get a feeling of worthiness from working... from doing a good job, being great at something.

For this reason, the realization that this is not a really, really long weekend or vacation, and I am actually unemployed is something I will have to process, grieve, and mourn at some point. People who know how unhappy I have been the last year and a half are quick to remind me that I wanted this. That I need a change. That God is in control of this circumstance. I agree. I KNOW. But I am sad. I keep moving down my to-do list (minus the actual applying of jobs), staying busy but I think it is likely to hit me if I ever allow myself to slow down.

One thing I have (re)learned about myself this week is that I HATE money so I have ignored it prior to now. As a child, God always (sometimes miraculously) provided for my family of six on a pastors salary. As an adult, I have never had to worry about money. I realize what a HUGE blessing that is. I also realize worrying with my situation is a first world problem, but it is now my problem.

More than hating money, I DETEST making decisions of most (if not all) types. When you are unemployed you are forced to make a lot of decisions all at once. Decisions that feel incredibly important; like they may define your life for the next 10 years.

All of these decisions, despite their form, are about or include money. I hate it, and worse, I resent it.

Because of this, I have had glimpses of an almost cry. I have experienced uncharacteristic moodiness stemming from what feels like uncontrollable annoyance and latent anger. I don't know what I am annoyed with or angry at or why it bubbles up in either completely unreasonable fury at the 50 millionth chic-fil-a FB post of a friend, or in dreams of punching the person talking behind me during the $2 movie, OR showing up like my good old friend, the panic attack.

I am grateful I have a roommate this month. I think it is God designed provision because if she wasn't there I am pretty sure I would have balled up at the end of my bed in the fetal position with my fingers in my ears, rocking back and forth. Well, that's a bit extreme but.. I purposefully filled my first week of unemployment with morning meetings and projects so I would have been fine, but having a great friend at home has been helpful. But also allows me to prolong the processing that (for me) is very necessary.

Next week I plan to spend with my parents in the mountains. Their house feels like vacation to me. It is calm (when they aren't in the kitchen) and beautiful and laid back so I am hoping it allows me the time to process, plan, actually start acting like I need a job, and most importantly PRAY. I can honestly say I haven't prayed for direction yet. I haven't spent time seeking God, I've just kept busy.

I am scared to process because I don't like feeling emotions I can't control. And I am scared to be still and listen because I fear I won't hear from Him. Both are ridiculous and unhealthy fears.

Despite the tone of this post, I AM excited about the next 'chapter of life,' and I am desperate for God's direction. Exodus 33:15-16 is a favorite passage of mine, I think I have quoted it in an earlier post, but I will tell you it has never been more true a prayer for my heart than right now.

Goals accomplished- WEEK 1:
* Had informal meeting to learn about job possibility (good practice if nothing else)
* Met with a recruiter friend to get opinions on resume/marketability
* Canceled phone line/ordered Airrave from Sprint (to save money)
* Decided on healthcare plan
* Updated my LinkedIn profile
* Compiled list of references
* Started this blog
* Applied for (1) job
Total jobs applied for: 1